Leaving Las Vegas. So I accepted a job out in San Jose, California, and so I'll be moving out of Las Vegas soon. And I dunno, I guess the finality of it all hasn't really & truly set in yet, but I don't feel a whole lot of sadness over it. I'm sure it's one of those things where I need to give it some time before I can really reflect on the whole experience.

I feel like it's one of those towns that you get real jaded in eventually- like I'm starting to lose that sense of wonder & amazement to it all. Like you're constantly surrounded by all this stuff going on and a certain mentality, that after awhile you start getting numb to it (or get swept up by it). It's the kind of town that you could live in and be exposed to an ersatz, Disney-esque version of a lot of things, and feel like you never have to leave to have seen it all- or at least that's what the casinos want you to believe, I'm sure. They WANT you to believe that you're in control- they trick you into giving them your money little by little, voluntarily.

They say for tourists flying in for a weekend on the town, the incoming flight is always loud & raucous, with everyone yelling & screaming about how they're gonna take the casinos for all they're worth... A couple days later, the flights out are dead silent with broken spirits & empty pockets, hahaha. Vegas is a harsh mistress, and she'll eat you alive if you're not careful- that's what she does best: eat dreams for breakfast! Hahaha. As the adage goes: the House always wins.

It's been a good run, but I suppose the time is right to move on- I knew, even before I came, that I didn't see myself here for the rest of my life, so this was bound to happen sooner or later. It's definitely been a love/hate relationship with this town, but every time I see those bright lights, I suppose there IS a sense of familiarity- like an old friend of sorts. The kind where there have been bad times & good, but when you cross paths, you still give that old knowing head nod that says “I remember...”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Sometimes you have to take a step backwards to take two steps forward later on.

...right?

Bartending. So since I didn't really have anything important to do this week, I signed up for bartending classes at ABC Bartending School. I guess learning how to bartend had always been on my list of things to do, and being laid off just gave me the time and an excuse to do it.

I figured it was either bartending or (blackjack/craps) dealer school, and I reasoned that bartending is probably a lot more useful skill anywhere outside of Las Vegas. And I figured, even after I'm back to a regular 9-5 kinda desk job, bartending would be the kinda thing that I could do on nights & weekends if I needed some extra cash.

Anyways, so the bartending class was pretty amusing. Mainly just a lot of memorizing recipes and then drilling to make them. And I guess one of the biggest disappointments was that we didn't get to try any of the drinks we were making (you'd think a bartender should know what a drink TASTES like, not just what goes into it, right?). But nope, we used food coloring water instead of actual booze- which I guess is kinda understandable: it'd get way too expensive using real booze, and everyone would be way too trashed to mix by the end of class, hahaha.

Anyways, so there was a final exam on the last day. And passing the class & getting a diploma is really not hard at ALL, but if you make an A, the teacher gives you a letter of recommendation. So I put in a decent effort studying and totally killed it. I made a 100% and was the freaking valedictorian of the bartending class, hahaha! (Not that it really matters, but it's bragging rights if nothing else, heh.)

But yea, I don't think I'm necessarily gonna be looking for employment as a bartender right away, so I guess I should start to rebuild my booze collection and practice a bit on my own- see if some of these recipes are as tasty as they sound, haha.

But yea, so I was thinking: I remember in college, it always seemed like the kids who bartended were the coolest. And maybe it's one of those things where the grass is greener on the other side, but I don't feel any cooler. Or maybe BEING a bartender is different from just KNOWING how to bartend? =/ *le sigh*

"Breadwinner." So I got laid off from my job at the end of last month. And on the whole, I think I've been dealing with it alright- no crying, and general pouting has been kept to a minimum. Just trying to take it like a man(?). I dunno, I guess it makes it easier just knowing that it wasn't anything that I did or didn't do; times just got tough, and budget got cut- "blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol economy."

But it really hit home today when I popped open the fridge, glanced at the food, and realized that I am no longer the "breadwinner"... no longer "bringing home the bacon" or "putting food on the table." (It's funny, all these food-related expressions for earning money.) And I guess, growing up, you're taught that that is the traditional role that you're supposed to carry out for the better part of your adult life. And maybe the tools have changed- we traded in our bows & arrows for calculators & computers, but the gist remains: you don't work, you don't deserve to eat. It's not hard to jump to the conclusion that this unemployment is supposed to all feel terribly emasculating... but truth be told, I don't feel that bad. Maybe I have a bigger safety net than most, which dulls the effect a little bit, but I guess at this point, it's still more like "hey, this kinda sucks" as opposed to "oh god, if I don't DO something, I'll STARVE!"

All things equal though, of COURSE I'd rather be working right now. And yea, everyday that you went to work, you complained that it was dull and boring... but there was familiarity to it. Maybe it wasn't fun or glamorous, but it was comfortable, it was routine, it was habit. And now all that's gone, and you're awash in life, without a sense of meaning and purpose in life. And sure, maybe it IS ridiculous to measure ourselves by our occupations and letting them define who we are, but in absence of other yardsticks, what else is there? Like in social settings, why is it that one of the first things that comes up after names & familiarities is "what do you do?"


*Here are some notes that I jotted to myself on layoff day:

(In the morning, before work): Layoffs TODAY. What thoughts are SUPPOSED to be running through your mind as you head off to your last day of work- knowing that there's a pink slip waiting for you? =/ ...I don't know- I don't really feel much of ANYthing right now. I guess this is the denial stage of things.

(After the fact, not coherent enough to blog about it thoroughly): I knew it was coming beforehand, but it was still something of a shock when it happened.

The whole morning was a blur.

I don't know WHAT to feel. I guess that puts me in the "denial" stage of coping, huh?

25 Factoids that Unintentionally Turned into Anecdotes.

1. I have a love/hate relationship with blogging. I've probably actually blogged about everything on this list at one point or another.

2. I hate hate HATE flossing my teeth, doing dishes, mowing the lawn, jogging/running, tanning, wearing shorts.

3. I was a nerdy kid all throughout school- never got invited to any parties, was in the math club and on the competitive math team, did science fair religiously (and made it to internationals twice), played Magic: the Gathering IN school, was in the marching band in 9th grade (playing the trombone). Like every other Asian nerd, I had horrible horrible eyesight (near-sighted with astigmatism). I started wearing contacts around the end of 7th grade, and I remember they had to special order them because they didn't stock the kind I needed (toric) in the prescription I needed. I ended up getting Lasik done in Taiwan the summer between my Junior and Senior year of college. It screwed up my night vision, and to this day I still have halos around any bright light sources; but I'm happy enough with the convenience it's brought me that if given the choice, I'd still get the Lasik again in a heartbeat.

4. I have pitifully low self-confidence. I think it's rooted in a LOT of different things in my childhood, but a big one is always growing up in my brother's shadow. Growing up, he was better at basically EVERYthing that we did. I still think he's the non-failure child in the family. I don't really know if he's any HAPPIER than me, but it certainly seems like he's DONE a lot more with/in his life. My brother and I aren't super close, I feel like. I mean, we're OKAY (like there's no beef between us), but we don't TALK a whole lot really- I dunno if that's normal or not.

5. I get deathly nervous around new people and new situations- I come off as cold, stuck up, or rude sometimes because I'm super shy and afraid to talk to people I've just met. My mind just goes blank, and I can't think of anything to say, not even "hello." As a result, I don't make new friends easily; 95% of my friends were originally friends of other friends. I'm just very introverted by nature. The shyness tends to go out the window once I've had a couple drinks in me though, heh.

6. I pride myself on being able to hold my liquor. Pretty much every male on my dad's side can drink like a fiend. To tell the truth though, I hate the TASTE of alcohol- I think I'm hypersensitive to bitter tastes in general. I don't like beer (though it's gradually become more bearable)- I prefer hard liquor. If you ever see me drinking a beer, it's only because it seemed fitting for the social situation, not because I actually WANTED to drink beer. My drink of choice these days is 151- either as shots, or with coke & lime. If I'm not drinking to get drunk, my favorite sippy drink is amaretto sour.

7. I trained myself to drink diet sodas after I started working. What I was told is true: it starts with a week where it's like the most disgusting thing to touch your lips, but eventually you get used to it, and after awhile, it starts to taste just like regular soda... well, kinda. When I drink regular now, it's extra DELICIOUS! hahaha. I drink a lot of Fresca these days; I always keep it stocked in my fridge, and I go through a 2-liter by myself roughly every 2 or 3 days. I like the idea of just being able to drink as much as I please without it making me a fattyfatfat.

8. I've been called "fat" so many times (especially on days when I'd been feeling good about myself) that I think I'm psychologically incapable of ever feeling like I'm "in shape" anymore. It's become such that I think no matter how much I work out, I'll NEVER truly feel good about my body image.

9. I've never had any talent for sports, but I guess I was ok at kung fu. I did martial arts for years and years, and practically let it define who I was as a person. Then I suddenly stopped and have been struggling with a sense of "self" ever since.

10. Ever since puberty, I've always been bigger than the average Asian, but I didn't start working out semi-seriously until around sophomore year of college. I'm repping about 275 on the bench these days (I HAVE repped at 300+ before though, before I lost weight). I really don't like maxing out though and have only done it a handful of times in my LIFE, so I can't honestly SAY how much I max- people always think I'm lying because I'm ashamed of a poor number, but the truth is I honestly don't KNOW.

11. I have high blood pressure- I think it's genetic from my mom's side. (It's consistently been around 150/80 since high school, which I'm told is way too high for someone my age.) I'm on two forms of medication to control it right now, and am actually about 70% sure that it's what will eventually kill me... if I die of natural causes.

12. My favorite food is probably steak- well, I like red meat in general, really. I love Brazilian, Korean, Japanese, and American BBQ's- I did a "BBQ's of the World" Tour with my coworkers, where we went around Vegas, trying different restaurants every weekend that billed themselves as ethnic BBQ's. I'd say since puberty, I probably eat on average about 1.5 to 2 steaks a week. I remember there was this stretch around 12th grade, when my mom went back to Taiwan for an extended period of time, and it was just my dad at home "cooking". And we had steaks for probably like 2 weeks straight- it was awesome. My favorite cut of steak is probably rib eye (or maybe prime rib). I like my meat cooked medium rare- I like the very raw & animalistic nature of it; "the redder the better." My favorite BBQ item ever is the extra moist brisket from Rudy's.

13. I can't handle spicy foods. I sometimes make an exception for Tabasco though, probably because I like the vinegary/tomatoey taste. Spicy foods make my lips swell up, often give me diarrhea, and make my eyes water and make me sweat like mad. Actually, I tend to sweat a lot to begin with- I distinctly remember it was around 10th grade (puberty) when my sweat glands really started up and just went crazy. As a result, I tend to not deal well with really humid climates- my shirt gets so sopping wet that it looks like I hopped in a swimming pool.

14. I have a lot of guilty pleasures- like Taiwanese dramas, Sanrio and other cutesy stuff, chick flicks, operas, musicals, ballets, and music I shouldn't be caught dead listening to.

15. I couldn't honestly say what my favorite genre of music is- I've gone through various phases over my life. When I first started listening to music back in middle school, I liked alternative. Then in high school, in a blurry effort to fit in with the “in-crowd,” I listened to a lot of techno and K-pop. In college, I started listening to hip hop, probably because of the mental association of it with going clubbing for me. I've been listening to more Chinese music as of late, but really, I've got all kinds of stuff on my playlist.

16. I have super slow reading speed- it's almost humorous. I mean, I'm not a dumb-dumb, but I think it's one of the skills I just never really perfected as well as I should have as a child. Even though I was never officially diagnosed, I'm pretty sure I was A.D.D. as a kid- couldn't concentrate on ANYthing. One of the biggest areas that I notice this in was Chinese school- I dutifully went for years and years (from about 2nd-12th grade), but I still learned very little (compared to the kids who went just as long but were able to focus). This has been one of the biggest regrets in my life: not learning my Chinese better (I mean, it's not AWFUL, but I feel like it could have been so much better). Something finally snapped and changed with my attention span around middle school though, and I was finally able to focus, and shaped up my act (it was too late for the Chinese by then though).

17. I'm very prone to regrets. I second-guess myself and am always wondering "what if?" and living in the past. I'm always so scared of taking chances, HOWEVER, I'm willing to try almost anything as long as I'm not the only/first one to do it. It's always those chances that I DIDN'T take that haunt me though.

18. I used to be a total anime addict. I remember always watching on Toonami on Cartoon Network back in high school, but it was my brother who really got me hooked, by bringing back spindle-fuls of cd's of anime from his freshman year at college. I watched tons and tons of anime during college. Cowboy Bebop is probably my all-time favorite series. Nowadays, the only series I really follow are: Naruto, One Piece, and sometimes Bleach. I haven't been as into anime ever since I started working, and I can't help but wonder if it's just one of those "childish pursuits" that you just have to give up as you grow up... I hope not. =/ Probably not though, because I used to READ a whole lot too, and now I don't- I don't know where all my time goes! I've been reading graphic novels though I guess, but not as much of the wordy kind- also one of my regrets.

19. I'm really bad at video games in general, though I still tend to enjoy playing them- I just don't get addicted to them as often as my friends. Two notable exceptions that DID have me pretty hooked for awhile before I quit cold turkey were Diablo 2 and World of Warcraft. I like RPG type games, because I tend to be more interested in the storyline than in the actual gameplay. When playing games, I tend to pick the brute-force warrior/barbarian type characters that require the least skill to play. I've pondered at length about what this all says about my personality- I think a lot of things have symbolism, even if you don't intend for them to.

20. I'm very sentimental by nature. I'm a total packrat, and like keeping ticket stubs and other little mementos. I ascribe meaning to stupid little things and am into symbolisms and rituals. I held a “hair funeral” at the end of college as a symbolic way of “burying my youth”- though admittedly it WAS a little joking, in actuality I think I took it a lot more seriously than many people realize.

21. I care more about my hair than the average guy probably should. Ever since about middle school, (with the notable exception of while I was in college) I pretty much always liked having my hair styled when I go out. I like to think of myself as a hair pioneer, having tried out some pretty bizarre concepts over the years- I'm sure I'll look back at pictures from the old days and laugh (I already do, actually, heh). I don't think I've had a full head of natural colored hair since 9th grade- it's been at least partially dyed for around 10 years now. I also don't like wearing hats in general; I'm not 100% sure, but I think it's because I've cared about having styled hair for so long, that the idea of having hat-hair is very off-putting to me. I also remember getting a buzz cut once in elementary school and crying because I thought I had a lopsided head. I also remember getting a really bad haircut in high school once, and going home and beating up the furniture to take out my frustrations- I blame it on the hormones, hah.

22. Like most Asian guys, I can't grow a “real” beard, yet I don't like the act of shaving either. I always end up cutting myself or winding up with ingrown hairs. I think it stems back to the fact that (maybe because we're Asian) I never did the whole quintessential American rite of passage thing where your dad teaches you to shave and gives you little pointers. The scars on my chin that look like pimple scars are actually shaving scars. When I have kids, I've got a couple pointers to give. I've never gotten a straight shave before; it's on my list of things to do before I die. These days, I prefer electric razor- I think it gives the closest shave, even compared to the 5-blade Fusion Power, which is supposed to be the top-of-the-line manual razor right now.

23. In retrospect, I was definitely spoiled as a kid. I grew up in rich suburbia (Plano), went to college on a full ride so I never had to worry about money, never had to work a (real) day in my life until after college. (When I have kids, I'm definitely gonna make 'em work in high school or over summers, to teach them the value of a buck- which I personally didn't learn until way later than I should have.) I had this sense of entitlement growing up, where I guess I just EXPECTED things to go my way. Gradually, around college time and especially after, I've experienced enough hardship and humbling experiences that I think it's opened my eyes and made me realize how easy I USED to have it. And I don't know if I'd necessarily describe it as "having my spirit broken," but I seem to have a very deflated sense of possibility now. And I dunno, I've ALWAYS been a pessimist, but it's been worse since college graduation. Hmmmm... "resigned to my fate," I guess is the best way I can describe it.

24. I think life is very unfair. I also think the grass is always greener on the other side. I think it's human nature to want what you can't have and to be unhappy with what you've got. I think that suffering and unhappiness are inherent parts of the human condition. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I think I would probably be a supervillain instead of a superhero.

25. I don't know where my life is taking me, and the uncertainty scares me at times. At various points in my life, I've THOUGHT I'd known what I wanted to do with my life- I've been wrong every time.

Misery Business. So things took a turn for the worse on my job, and it looks like the worst case scenario is panning out. So funding for the project got cut absurdly low, which is juuuust short of the finishing stroke of a death sentence. I guess technically, it's still petering along on life-support, but it's grim... totally Terri Schaivo-esque.

Anyways, so whereas a couple months ago, everyone thought they had jobs- we were wrong, we were VERY wrong. Instead, it looks like they're gonna be laying off like 95+% of the workforce. They never explicitly TOLD us who was on the layoff list, but I suppose with these kindsa numbers, you just know if no one tells you you're on the NOT-laid off list.

We've already been notified that our official last day is March 31 (after which the company ceases to exist- long story), but they'll probably just send us home after the 26th. And they shut down the computer network on the 20th, rendering us pretty much useless after that.

Needless to say, morale has been really low recently. With the economy the way it is now, it's been tough for people looking for new jobs. We had an official clean-up day today at the office, and i think that's when it really hit home- taking down all my cubicle decorations, packing up my mini-pantry of snacks, and tossing out the documents in my filing cabinets; seeing the once vibrant office environment reduced back to its original, skeletal cubicle farm state. It was a rude awakening. As they said in Bad Boys II, "Sh*t just got real..."

And for the first time, I'm facing the very real possibility that I could be collecting unemployment soon. =/ You never think it can happen to you (welfare is for the BUMS who're just too LAZY to get real work! I thought), but then it does... and it turns out YOU'RE the bum. Guess the shoe's on the other foot now, huh? -_- They held seminars during work hours telling us about claiming unemployment, severance, and COBRA, and all that stuff- depressing. A cold shot of reality.

Well, as much as this sucks, at least I don't have it as bad as some of my coworkers, I suppose, who're underwater on their houses and have families to take care of. If it really comes to it, I'd get 2 weeks severance, and I have about 3 weeks of PTO saved up- that'd tide me over for a little while and buy me a bit more time to figure out my next move.

Anyways, I AM hunting my next job, and I do kinda have something I'm working on, but it's FAR from a bird in the hand, and I don't wanna jinx it. But otherwise, it'll be time to bust out the job hunting desperation moves, limit-break style, hahaha... hah.. ha.. hmmm. =/ ... =X It's like those lost couple months after college graduation all over again. >_< *siiiigh* Pray for me, if you believe in that sorta thing...

I was talking to my cousin today, and he said that his friends had met my mom at some kinda Taiwanese dinner banquet or something and thought she was kind of fierce and intimidating. And his friends said that after meeting my mom, they suspect that she's the reason why my personality is the way it is- that is: fearful, afraid, shy, hesitant all the time. It's weird, I never chalked it up to that; I've blamed a hundred other things, but this sounds just as plausible as anything else. Hmmmm, definitely something to think about (and report to a shrink in the future, HAH!) In truth though, I'm sure it was a combination of things.

Crotch Rocketeer. So I took (& passed) a motorcycle safety class last weekend (2 and a half days long), and in the state of Nevada, that entitles me to the motorcycle endorsement on my driver's license. Not bad for $100. Seriously though, the test was kind of a joke, like how can you seriously say we're ready for the streets after just that?? I guess they figure the fear of death will keep you off the roads until you're ready... or at least it'll be a form of natural selection, hah!

Anyways, so I've been riding my brother's old Kawasaki Ninja 250cc that's been sitting in our garage for like half a year just gathering dust. (Well, actually, my dad took the motorcycle class last Fall, but he doesn't really ride much.) Yea, I think 250's the wimpiest that they make sport bikes in, but supposedly it's good to learn on something with a piddly engine, I guess? -_-

On my first day out by myself, I was riding around a neighborhood, and took a fall on a slow speed turn. And yea, it hurt, but I think it was the sheer shock of what had happened that kept me lying on the ground like WHOA, what the hell just happened??? I was wearing my leather jacket, so I didn't get scraped up too bad, but it tore a hole in the leather (I guess there IS a pretty big difference between leather for riding and the soft stuff for casual wear. >_<) I went out and bought myself a motorcycle jacket right after that (; my brother's old one was a little too small for me). I DO rather like the feel of wearing a motorcycle jacket though- if ever there was an outfit that deserved soundtrack music when you put it on, the motorcycle get-up would be it, haha.

But yea, seriously- I'm gonna need a LOT more practice before I'm ready for the streets, much less the highway. Right now, any time I go over like 40 mph, I start getting really nervous. I gotta admit, there are moments on the bike where I seriously fear for my life. It's like being 15 and learning how to drive a car again- only this time, there's no seat belt, air bag, or crumple zone. And the bike is a lot less [forgiving] of user error than a car.

A lot of the difficulty I'm having, I think, is cuz I've never driven a manual transmission before, so I'm having to learn all the shifting and clutch control on top of the usual handling/steering stuff. I stall the engine... a LOT. >_< I just feel like there's so much stuff I need to be thinking about all at the same time. And of course, THAT's the problem right there: I shouldn't HAVE to think about it- it should all be as natural as instinct. Well, it'll have to be before I'm ready for the primetime, I suppose. =/ More practice! >:O

Who's the Boss?. And I dunno, I get the feeling that riding a motorcycle will always be one of those things where I might be decently competent, but I'll never be able to do anything real super cool and daring. I'm just too scared of getting hurt. It's like how I am with snowboarding- I can hold my own just getting down a mountain, but jumps and excessive speed scare me. It's like I don't know if it's the snowboard (or motorcycle) in charge, or me. And deep down, I know it can't be like that. I need to make it submit to my will.

I remember when I was learning chain whip back in my kung fu days, and I really just had a very hard time getting it to do what I wanted. Yea, if it ever comes up in your life (e.g., if you ever have to avenge your family's deaths at the hands of ninjas), any flexible weapon (like a whip, or nunchucks, or rope dart) is inherently harder to learn & control than a rigid one (like a sword, spear, or stick). And I don't remember if I actually learned this from a person or just some tacky kung fu B-movie, but it's still true nonetheless: The weapon should be an extension of your body. If you fear the weapon, you'll never truly master it- you'll never be the one in control.

I think that's an overriding theme in my life. Whether it be a motorcycle, a snowboard, a weapon, a horse, or anything ELSE in my life- I'm just too dang SCARED all the time of the possible consequences of failure that I'm subconsciously keeping myself from realizing my true potential. I mean, yea, ok, so I've had some setbacks, and it's put the fear in me, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't get back on the bike, right? I can't just give up because I've been hurt. No one said this life would be easy, but I'm living the wrong character archetype in my own memoir. =/ I need to be better than this.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." ~Dwyane Wade, Converse commercial (well, Japanese proverb, actually)