"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me?" I find myself in a bit of a quandary. New opportunities have presented themselves, and I'm hard-pressed to decide whether I wanna pursue them or not. At the heart of the issue is: I'm not sure if what I wanted 4 to 8 months ago is still what I want now. Back then, I was faced with a crossroads, and I wanted badly to go in a certain direction, but it was denied me. So I turned and started down another path.

Now, several months later, the same opportunity (and some different ones as well) have presented themselves again, and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel like I'm backtracking to a decision I already made several months back (or rather, was made for me). That path was closed back then, and I turned the corner and my back on that. I thought I'd moved past that, moved on with my life- decided to aspire to new and different things.

But now, that same tempting offer is plopped in my lap, and I find my heartstrings tugging me back to that cross-section I'd long since passed.

But NO! I can't keep DOING this! It's too hard on my subconscious. I can't keep chasing after one thing, then getting sidetracked and doubting my decisions later. I see this kind of indecision in others and hate it; maybe because I fear that it's a quality I see mirrored in myself? Decisions by their very nature need to be decisive; I can't keep wavering and changing my mind. I made this bed, and now I should sleep in it; I can't keep getting tempted by other unmade beds.

I made an honest good-faith effort back then and failed. And that was that. I drew my line in the sand back then, and made my decision to turn the corner. I can't keep falling for their bait. Besides, if things go the way I think/hope, the tide is changing soon anyways. This time, I don't intend to lifeboat away. Though my ship is stranded now, storm's a-brewin', and I await the tempest.

"I will go down with this ship
I won't put my hands up and surrender."
~Dido - White Flag