"Breadwinner." So I got laid off from my job at the end of last month. And on the whole, I think I've been dealing with it alright- no crying, and general pouting has been kept to a minimum. Just trying to take it like a man(?). I dunno, I guess it makes it easier just knowing that it wasn't anything that I did or didn't do; times just got tough, and budget got cut- "blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol economy."
But it really hit home today when I popped open the fridge, glanced at the food, and realized that I am no longer the "breadwinner"... no longer "bringing home the bacon" or "putting food on the table." (It's funny, all these food-related expressions for earning money.) And I guess, growing up, you're taught that that is the traditional role that you're supposed to carry out for the better part of your adult life. And maybe the tools have changed- we traded in our bows & arrows for calculators & computers, but the gist remains: you don't work, you don't deserve to eat. It's not hard to jump to the conclusion that this unemployment is supposed to all feel terribly emasculating... but truth be told, I don't feel that bad. Maybe I have a bigger safety net than most, which dulls the effect a little bit, but I guess at this point, it's still more like "hey, this kinda sucks" as opposed to "oh god, if I don't DO something, I'll STARVE!"
All things equal though, of COURSE I'd rather be working right now. And yea, everyday that you went to work, you complained that it was dull and boring... but there was familiarity to it. Maybe it wasn't fun or glamorous, but it was comfortable, it was routine, it was habit. And now all that's gone, and you're awash in life, without a sense of meaning and purpose in life. And sure, maybe it IS ridiculous to measure ourselves by our occupations and letting them define who we are, but in absence of other yardsticks, what else is there? Like in social settings, why is it that one of the first things that comes up after names & familiarities is "what do you do?"
*Here are some notes that I jotted to myself on layoff day:
(In the morning, before work): Layoffs TODAY. What thoughts are SUPPOSED to be running through your mind as you head off to your last day of work- knowing that there's a pink slip waiting for you? =/ ...I don't know- I don't really feel much of ANYthing right now. I guess this is the denial stage of things.
(After the fact, not coherent enough to blog about it thoroughly): I knew it was coming beforehand, but it was still something of a shock when it happened.
The whole morning was a blur.
I don't know WHAT to feel. I guess that puts me in the "denial" stage of coping, huh?
But it really hit home today when I popped open the fridge, glanced at the food, and realized that I am no longer the "breadwinner"... no longer "bringing home the bacon" or "putting food on the table." (It's funny, all these food-related expressions for earning money.) And I guess, growing up, you're taught that that is the traditional role that you're supposed to carry out for the better part of your adult life. And maybe the tools have changed- we traded in our bows & arrows for calculators & computers, but the gist remains: you don't work, you don't deserve to eat. It's not hard to jump to the conclusion that this unemployment is supposed to all feel terribly emasculating... but truth be told, I don't feel that bad. Maybe I have a bigger safety net than most, which dulls the effect a little bit, but I guess at this point, it's still more like "hey, this kinda sucks" as opposed to "oh god, if I don't DO something, I'll STARVE!"
All things equal though, of COURSE I'd rather be working right now. And yea, everyday that you went to work, you complained that it was dull and boring... but there was familiarity to it. Maybe it wasn't fun or glamorous, but it was comfortable, it was routine, it was habit. And now all that's gone, and you're awash in life, without a sense of meaning and purpose in life. And sure, maybe it IS ridiculous to measure ourselves by our occupations and letting them define who we are, but in absence of other yardsticks, what else is there? Like in social settings, why is it that one of the first things that comes up after names & familiarities is "what do you do?"
*Here are some notes that I jotted to myself on layoff day:
(In the morning, before work): Layoffs TODAY. What thoughts are SUPPOSED to be running through your mind as you head off to your last day of work- knowing that there's a pink slip waiting for you? =/ ...I don't know- I don't really feel much of ANYthing right now. I guess this is the denial stage of things.
(After the fact, not coherent enough to blog about it thoroughly): I knew it was coming beforehand, but it was still something of a shock when it happened.
The whole morning was a blur.
I don't know WHAT to feel. I guess that puts me in the "denial" stage of coping, huh?
posted by Dear Daniel at 11:00 PM
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