Borderline Obsessive Compulsive? I think we all have these quirky little idiosyncrasies that don't necessarily indicate OCD in the strict medical sense, but at the same time are not easily justified logically. Stuff that would better be termed as strong preferences and pronations. I finally realized recently that I've got a strong preference for doing things left-before-right. In the weightroom, I tend to do all exercises with my left arm before my right. Before LASIK, I always put my left contact in before the right. I tend to put my left sock & shoe on before their right counterparts. Left pant leg before right. I clip the nails on my left hand before right. A lot of small things like that.

I mean, it doesn't kill me to do it in reverse order. Sometimes I'll do so intentionally just to spice things up. But just the fact that that IS spicing it up is kinda telling of how deeply rooted I am in my ways, huh? Compulsive? Maybe. But can we not call it "obsessive"? That gives it such a negative connotation. (Like the word "cartel". I think I'd be a lot less biased against OPEC (and perhaps the Middle East) if the word cartel wasn't so often used to describe the drug trade. =/)

(Mommy wow,) I’m a big kid now! I guess I’m starting to come to terms with growing up and the idea of adulthood. It wasn't like turning a switch on; it was a gradual process that is hard to see in the works. Small things. I promised myself I’d never outgrow kids' cereals, but I’ve cooled on froot loops, no longer cuckoo for cocoa puffs- there was a bit of melancholy after I realized that I bought myself fruit & bran cereal. Interests change. The party days won't last forever. I fear my clubbing days may be numbered. (Sure, it's still fun with friends, but it’s simply not the place to meet anyone who's playing for keeps.) College definitely had its share of fun times, but perhaps it IS time to move on. I think I’m nearly ready. Life comes at you in stages; nothing gold can stay. Can't live dormant in your current state forever.

I guess that's part of why I’m not intent on this grad school thing right away. At first, part of me thought that it'd just be another 2 years of undergrad style partying. But it's not; it can't be- everyone you knew, who you partied with, will have gone their separate ways. You cannot recreate that undergrad environment & experience- ever. When the music stops and the lights come up, it's time to move on- the party doesn't keep going just because you stay inside the club.

I remember talking to Steve (L.) during the summer and he expressed that he was graduating early cuz there wasn't much left for him in college- he'd had the college experience, been to the parties, lived the highs, he was ready to move on. I didn't understand completely at the time, but I think I’m beginning to. Have I had the college experience? Oh, I dunno- it's still hard for me to define what it was. They say it's supposed to be the best 4 years of your life; I dunno about that, but parts of it have definitely been memorable. Nights staying up playing magic, poker, watching movies, casual brunches, eating out, working out, hanging out. Being away from that environment for awhile and just thinking about it, a smile crosses my face, and then I know that they were good times.

“Maybe that's all family really is- a group of people that miss the same imaginary place." Well maybe that's all college really is- a memory of the good times that you had for 4 years with friends. If I went back to UT after graduation, I doubt it’d be the same. The people there WERE the college experience. The friends, the rivals, the enemies. Never again at any point will the same group of people be assembled again in the same location. That’s the experience that can't be repeated- the imaginary place. That's all the memory of college really is- the same group of people missing the same imaginary place.

Psychological Status Report. I don't think I've found a lasting happiness, but at least I'm content with my current position (in life?)- and that's something I haven't felt in nearly a year now. I may not bound out of bed with curiosity for what adventures the day may bring, but at least I don't dread the morrow every eve.

I AM enjoying myself here, but I worry that it's not because of where I am, but because of where I'm not. This is fulfillment of that deep-seated fantasy to just run away from everything, from responsibility, from real life. This peaceful feeling is fleeting; I know it cannot last- you cannot turn your back on the future forever. But for now, for the short-term, things are good here. My life is pleasantly serene.

I'm not really sure what I wanted to get out of this trip- some sense of purpose to my life? Direction of some sort? I dunno. I don't know what I want to get out of this, but i just knew I had to get away. My life and my productivity were grinding to a halt back home. I was presented with barriers I wasn't ready to overcome. I don't know if I’m ready to overcome them yet, but at least I think I may be ready to face them again- triumph or fail.

Lessons Learned. It’s hard to put into words what I feel like I’ve gained here; it’s all so abstract. I still don't know who I wanna be, but I’m starting to find who I DON’T want to be. For starters, I don't want my life to revolve around money. Though it is the path (to happiness) for some; I know I cannot follow that same path and hope to arrive with the same result. That IS the whole point of this whole charade we call life, no? Trying to find happiness- no matter what form it may take? It’s the not knowing what does or will make you happy that's the kicker, eh?

It’s been amusing being immersed in another culture and learning the little things that make the people tick, why they are the way they are. How history, government policies, and religious values all play into cultural identity and tint people's perspectives on things. People here are so competitive, and it's fostered from young age by a bell curve and class ranks- it promotes the idea that only a few can be successful. The abandonment by the Allies in WW2 made the country paranoid about its own self defense and fosters the idea that you have to make it on your own. Countless factors play into it, and I feel like I'm barely beginning to scratch the surface. The notion of "culture" is a lot deeper than I would have imagined a few months ago.

Singapore’s the epitome of the melting pot concept. Chinese, Malay, and Indian cultural heritages with an English colonial finish. Some things mix, but lots still retain their sense of individuality- that leaves us with a population whose identity cannot be adequately described with broad generalizations. I think that's another thing to learn- that while it's easy (and sometimes fun) to categorize and stereotype, the stereotypes deny the personalities, the individualities. People aren't the living embodiments of the cultures they come from; in the end, they're just regular people with their own unique idiosyncrasies. "You are not your f-ing khakis." Yup, breaking down stereotypes- the obligatory lesson to be learned on any trip abroad, eh?

Try new things; sometimes you'd never have known what you were missing if you didn't venture outside your shell. This world's got more weird stuff than you can imagine, and you might just be surprised by what brings a smile to your face. Be adventurous- this is one of the only times in your life where you don't have to justify doing crazy stuff. How often do you see well-to-do businessmen shacking up in backpackers’ hostels with their buddies? The memories are worth a lot when you can't relive that lifestyle.

Being abroad makes you realize some of the things that are important to you. Sometimes you gotta take away what you've got to realize what you had in the first place. I miss friends, foods, the feeling of familiarity…

I fear the unknown, the uncertain. Thinking about the future scares me like no other. All these lingering questions about where the future will take me, what will become of friendships, these memories. What will become of friends sent their different ways? Will our paths bring us back together one day? Perhaps sooner than I think? I need the confidence that I can make it on my own. Was this trip about proving that to myself? Was it a willing separation of myself from everything I’d known- to see if I could make it? Trial by fire? I dunno, maybe I’m just grasping at straws now.

Happenings. Went to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia the weekend of October 7-9 with Bryan, Gary, and Sheri. Fox faces, running over robots, mouse attacks, thirsty monkeys- you had to be there, heh. Went and saw the Hindu temple in the Batu Caves, went up the communications tower, stood at the base of the Petronas Towers, shopped the Chinatown nightmarket and Golden Triangle. Stayed the first night in a ghetto backpackers' hostel; was... [memorable], to say the least, haha (mouse!). Have decided that travelling with friends is definitely more memorable than travelling alone.

Went to Sentosa (the token tourist trap in Singapore) on October 18. I thought it was way overrated, and they charge you for freaking everything- gotta pay admission, then gotta pay for every ride or attraction you go on- sheisty. Rode the cable cars; very short ride. Went to the Underwater World, which had a pretty cool moving walkway through an underwater tunnel with sea life. Went on Cinemania, one of those watch-a-movie-while-your-chair-moves things; don't think many people over 10 years old actually enjoy that. Went up the "giant" Merlion; touristy, but vaguely educational I suppose- I learned that the Merlion is actually a fairly modern invention (like 1960's), created to be some kinda national symbol for tourist purposes, I guess. Went up Mount Faber, which has a nice view overlooking the city; too many tall buildings blocking each other though; probably still looks amazing at night.

Food. Threw a BBQ that was somewhat disastrous (apparently charcoal here ain't the same as back home, and they don't use lighter fluid) and ultimately very stressful instead of relaxing. I stumbled upon the CHIJMES (Church of the Holy Infant Jesus... mes?) area. It's like a churchy area that's like totally been commercialized with restaurants and shops. Well, seeing as how I have little interest in the actual church, I thought the structures gave a nice castley feel to the restaurants in the plaza. Ate at a churrascaria place called Carnivore- thought the name was hilariously fitting. Also had a wine dinner at a place called Capella- I think I'm finally starting to appreciate wine a little bit.

I've really discovered like a deep-seated love of eating out. I think it goes back to my childhood. My family never ate out much as I was growing up, and now that I'm on my own, I like to eat out all the time. Anyways, I ate steamboat (hot pot) and dim sum (*11/1) with Clara; ate at Marche and Soul Kitchen with Deenie- found out "soul food" doesn't mean quite the same thing here as it does back home. Tried a Mexican restaurant, Cha Cha Cha, and thought it was freaking nasty. Tried out Crystal Jade; doesn't quite compare to Din Tai Fung. Got Japanese food from Sushi Tei. Ate French food at Au Petit Salut a couple times; French food is so good, but so expensive. =( I need to learn how to cook that stuff for myself.

I really do love eating. In that regard, I guess I’d make a good Singaporean. The life of a foodie. We all have things we like (or at least don't mind) to spend our money on. For some it's purses, or cars, or computers... for me, I guess it's food. I guess I have no right to criticize girls who throw down for a designer purse. At least they have something tangible. Food is so ephemeral. After the meal, you don’t really have a whole lot to show for it- well, except maybe a bulging belly. It costs a fortune to make those tastebuds happy, but for those few precious moments, it's priceless.

*Look past the bad; grow from it, but don't dwell cuz the world goes on, with or without you. "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here, we might as well dance." "Eat, drink, and be merry... for tomorrow we die."

"I Hate Pigs." I remember back in elementary school (I think it was 1st or 2nd grade), we did this thing where we did a writing sample at the beginning of the year. Then at the end of the year we brought out the writing sample again to reflect on how much our writing and expression skills had developed. I remember my sample was something like: "I hate pigs. Pigs are dirty. Pigs smell bad..." Couldn't have been more than 5 simple sentences of 3 words each. And though it was hard to believe at the end of the year that I had written those words, the name on the paper and my handwriting were irrefutable. In the end, the exercise served as quite a lesson in how much we can develop in but a single year.

Well, something similar happened to me this past week. I was confronted with something I had written one, maybe two years ago. Pompous, childish words that screamed of immaturity and lack of understanding & compassion. Though I didn't want to believe that certain words had come from my hand, there was no denying that the words smacked of my tone, my style. So many better ways I could have expressed what I meant (; though in the dark recesses of my mind, I fear that at the time, I meant EXACTLY what I said.) Or perhaps those thoughts should not have been expressed at all. ("Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." ~Laurence J. Peter) I regret now certain hurtful things I've said in the past without realizing. The words flow like water when you're angry or upset, and before you know it you've swept away a lot of the things that mattered.

However, I'd like to think I've grown/developed a bit since then- emotionally and psychologically. May life always grant us opportunities to LEARN from past mistakes and grow as people that we may never commit the same grievous errors again. Yet may we heal our wounds without becoming tough and callous.

On a vaguely related note, but mainly just cuz I liked it, here's a story for you (via Will):

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean?

The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

(I think psychologically I'm a carrot, but emotionally I'm an egg.)

Original Jutsus. A quirky pastime of mine that I started doing in the past year or so is thinking up creative moves/techniques I'd like to have if I were an anime character. If you watch Naruto, you know that half the thrill is seeing what kind of interesting jutsus everyone has. And also, if you wanna be taken seriously as a ninja, you (or your clan) gotta have invented like at least one original jutsu (e.g. chidori). But yea, should I be a little concerned that my idle thoughts frequently revolve around thinking up elaborate ways to kill people?? Naaahhhh, hahaha- geez, I hope not. =/ (A variation on this game that I often play is to imagine how I would flip out and do my thing in the current room if I were a typical Western-style superhero; telekinesis is involved 9 times out of 10, fire 7 times out of 10.) Anyways, here are some of my original techniques:

Flesh rend. This one's a sword technique, and would be used in one of those classic samurai fights where they run past each other really fast, stand there for a second or two, and then one of them falls down dead. Well, my move would be such that instead of merely falling down dead, all their flesh comes off of their bones, leaving just a skeleton standing there. I got my inspiration from a story about a Chinese butcher of yore who was extremely good at his craft. Fellow butchers would ask, "how is it that you can go so long without changing knives?" To which he'd reply that the secret is to cut between and around the bones; find the path of least resistance. (I think the original story was supposed to be a political allegory of some sort, but that's besides the point.) So that would be the secret: cut around the bones... ALL of them. It'd have to be done blindingly fast; so fast that all they'd have time to say before falling apart like slow-roasted ribs is "好快的劍," heheh.

Resonance kill. If you study linear systems and/or control theory, you know that a system stimulated at its resonance frequency will basically [blow up]. Ever seen the footage of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge failure? That's the power of resonance. Well, take this idea and apply it to the human body. Now, I imagine if you were a sound nin, you could like punch someone, and from that, figure out the impulse response and the associated natural frequency of the opponent's body. From there, it'd just be a matter of sending out waves, or otherwise attacking at the right intervals. In theory, I think the opponent's body would tear itself apart from violent vibration- bones crumbling inside the body and the like (, at least that's what I like to imagine).

Pressure pains. Going scuba diving, they teach you about the dangers of sudden pressure change on the body. The damage from such, (known as dysbarism and/or barotrauma) can consist of ruptured eardrums, bleeding eyes & sinuses, exploding tooth cavities, severe lung damage, and air embolism (bubbles in the blood stream; "blood boiling"). Thinking back, I remember watching part of a movie where, as torture, they stick a guy in a pressure chamber and crank it up till his head explodes. Well, not hard to imagine how this could totally be used for a jutsu. During a fight, you'd slowly move the air around your opponent to increase or decrease the pressure (since slow pressure changes are largely harmless and unnoticeable). Then all of a sudden, reverse the flow of the air, causing a sudden pressure increase or decrease. Lungs exploding, blood boiling? Yea, you better believe that'd hurt like a mother.

Magnifier. Remember the oft told stories of kids burning ants with a magnifying glass? Now remember that glass is essentially made from sand. Thinking about this, it seems pretty reasonable that Gaara could totally make a huge magnifying lens, and then levitate it up in the sky to direct a super-powerful beam of sunlight at his opponent, burning him alive like an ant. This technique could also be used to produce an impromptu telescope for long range visual spying.

Some less well-thought out ideas... Using the fact that the human body is like 2/3 water, find a way to use microwaves to cook them alive like a piece of meat. Using the human body's low resistance to negative G's (acceleration towards their head?), create a gravitational singularity in their near vicinity. Wear gloves, each coated with one part of an explosive recipe, then when you strike the same spot with each fist, the second punch will have an added explosive damage bonus.

That's all I got for now. Anyone else got any creative jutsus? I'd like to hear about them.

*Also, I've been wondering: did ninjas have to bury their poop like cats to keep from being tracked?