"I'm in shape- round is a shape!" I was working out at the gym with a coworker recently, and we were on the ellipticals when he asked "ok, are we done?" And my reply was "hold on... 5 more minutes. I wanna see how this cake turns out." (We were watching the Food Network.) And I laughed immediately after the words came out of my mouth, not just from the sheer weirdness of what I said, but at the recognition that I truly meant it when I said it.

And it was kind of a moment of realization for me. It was funny (and sad) cuz I knew no matter HOW amazing that cake turned out, I wouldn't be able to have any. And it made me question this whole thing of working out and the sacrifices we make in order to get in shape. And it made me wonder: Is this even WORTH it???

I haven't eaten fried chicken in who knows how long. I rarely eat dessert anymore. I started drinking diet sodas. I have to turn down food offered to me all the time. I've given up all these wonderful things in life in pursuit of physical fitness. And what's frustrating is, unless working out becomes my job, there'll always be room to improve- it'll never be good enough.

"The race for quality has no finish line- so technically it's more like a death march." ~Despair.com

At what point do you say "enough is enough! I wanna eat fried chicken again, dang it!" How much is having a good body worth to me? I mean, what ARE my fitness goals? When will all this pain & sacrifice finally be enough? I don't know- and I guess that's the root of my angst. (Or, I fear that I DO know, but that the bar is simply too high.) =/

"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." ~Don Herold

The Robot Uprising Has Begun. The GPS unit that I bought a couple months back has been acting up recently. I really only use it on my trips out to LA, and all the other times, it just sits on my bookshelf. Well, recently, without anyone touching it, the GPS unit powers itself on. At first, I'd just walk past and wonder why the screen was on, but I didn't think much of it at the time. THEN, one day, it turned itself on and started talking, like "turn right," and showed that it was moving, even though it was staying in place in my hands. That's when I got creeped out. I mean, it's only a few logical steps from turning itself on to killing me in my sleep, right? "Tom Tom KILL! Rarrr!" Time to sleep with a knife under my pillow (again)? >_<

...or who knows? Maybe it's a benevolent machine, and it was trying to help/warn me or tell me something. Or GUIDE me to something. Which way to happiness, Tom Tom? "Turn right." *le sigh* If only it were so easy.

I dunno, I guess at the heart of the issue is the fact that I still wonder: Do androids dream of mechanical sheep? Do robots have latent memories and dreams? Do they dream when we power them off? What DOES free will mean to a robot? What would a robot DO with freedom? Would robots with A.I. and free will have self-destructive tendencies like we do? I'm sure it comes as no surprise to most of you that it's one of my deep-seated desires to be a cyborg one day. Maybe I just wanna know some of the fine print up front before I make the plunge?

*Bad Hair Day. So, after receiving arguably the worst haircut of my LIFE, I've resolved to stop getting my hair cut at bargain places like SuperCuts. The $15 or 20 bucks I save is just NOT worth the grief of loathing what I see every time I look in the mirror for months afterwards.

Yea, it was so bad that I went out and bought a hat immediately afterwards. And for those of you that know me, I've traditionally never been big on hats, so that's saying a lot. (My mom loves recounting to me how when I once got a really bad haircut during puberty, I came home, cried a bit, and proceeded to take my frustration out by beating up the furniture. Yea, I blame it on the hormones. >_<) Didn't cry this time though, so I guess that's a plus? -_-

I've also started thinking about changing to a lower maintenance hairstyle. I made a half-hearted attempt of growing it out once in college (by which, I mean that I was too lazy to get it cut for a long stretch of time), and gave up before it really got very long cuz I thought it looked unruly. But I've been watching a lot of TW dramas lately, and I guess after looking at it enough, the long-haired look kinda grows on you. Yea, we'll see if I wuss out again before it gets long.

Bad Karma. I feel like my karma balance has been low lately. Just a lot of unpleasantness and not enough good things in my life. And I'm not really sure if the world works according to the simplistic notion that doing good deeds will bring good your way. Or that if you're evil, then bad things will happen to you. But I DO know that converse is true: when bad things happen to you, you feel like doing bad things too. Ill will perpetuates itself.

And I dunno, maybe karma is like inductance- how a current causes a magnetic field, but how you can also cause current with a magnetic field. That concept, as applied to the universe around you and the actions you take. Good begets good, bad beget bad.

Unpleasant things have been happening and circulating around me for quite some time now, and I feel like I've really held it against the rest of the world and let it hamper my capability for doing good. (Hell, I've flat out SAID I'd sooner be a supervillain than a superhero these days.) I don't think anyone is born evil; you become that way as the product of the societies that raises you and the events that influence your life.

I dunno, I guess the point I was originally getting at is that maybe it's a positive feedback loop. Where bad things have happened to me, so I do bad things, which causes more bad things to happen, which causes me to do more bad, etc. Maybe the only way to stop all this crap from happening to me is to make the first move and spread more good into the world?

I dunno though, is that a really greedy & selfish reason for doing good deeds? Cuz you expect the universe to repay you? UGH! I feel like there's just no winning on this issue. And I'm so bitter in life at this point that I don't think I even have the capacity to do good for its own sake.

...I'm not a good person. =/

(cont.) "Yea he's a looker, but I really think it's guts that matter most."

But... but... *sigh* I'm prone to regret- always wondering what was on that road not traveled. I don't doubt that this opportunity would be an adventure, but am I ready to throw caution to the wind along with all the "safe" things I've built up my life around? I don't know. And like I've said before, not making a decision is itself a decision one way or another. "He who hesitates, masturbates," as they say. I've always wondered why other ppl seem to live lives far more rewarding on any and all levels than my own. I suppose now, it's not that hard a question to answer: it's because I'm a no-risk-taking, consequence-fearing, not-impulsive worrywart.

I guess it's this: do I accept this calculated half-misery or ditch everything and start over from scratch with nothing and nobody in the wild? And... I... I can't. I can't trade this safe semi-suckness for that quick bout of instant gratification. And maybe it's cuz I think I know where that road leads, and think it leads to a dead-end in about 5 years, but for that... would it be worth it? I dunno, I can't make this decision- and I guess that is my decision. Try as I might to be resolute, my only resolution seems to be no resolution at all. =/ I try to take fate by the horns, but I'm still, hopelessly, just the rodeo clown being tossed around helplessly. So in the future, when I look back and wonder why my life sucks, I should already know- it's cuz I'm a chicken. =(

Why am I still so weak?

"Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me?" I find myself in a bit of a quandary. New opportunities have presented themselves, and I'm hard-pressed to decide whether I wanna pursue them or not. At the heart of the issue is: I'm not sure if what I wanted 4 to 8 months ago is still what I want now. Back then, I was faced with a crossroads, and I wanted badly to go in a certain direction, but it was denied me. So I turned and started down another path.

Now, several months later, the same opportunity (and some different ones as well) have presented themselves again, and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel like I'm backtracking to a decision I already made several months back (or rather, was made for me). That path was closed back then, and I turned the corner and my back on that. I thought I'd moved past that, moved on with my life- decided to aspire to new and different things.

But now, that same tempting offer is plopped in my lap, and I find my heartstrings tugging me back to that cross-section I'd long since passed.

But NO! I can't keep DOING this! It's too hard on my subconscious. I can't keep chasing after one thing, then getting sidetracked and doubting my decisions later. I see this kind of indecision in others and hate it; maybe because I fear that it's a quality I see mirrored in myself? Decisions by their very nature need to be decisive; I can't keep wavering and changing my mind. I made this bed, and now I should sleep in it; I can't keep getting tempted by other unmade beds.

I made an honest good-faith effort back then and failed. And that was that. I drew my line in the sand back then, and made my decision to turn the corner. I can't keep falling for their bait. Besides, if things go the way I think/hope, the tide is changing soon anyways. This time, I don't intend to lifeboat away. Though my ship is stranded now, storm's a-brewin', and I await the tempest.

"I will go down with this ship
I won't put my hands up and surrender."
~Dido - White Flag

The Live-in Cousin 2: the Sequel. So my cousin Van has been sent to live with me & my parents here in the states for maybe like the next year or so, ostensibly to improve his English ability and prep for the GRE(?). I'm still not entirely sure whose idea it was or what all the specifics of it are, but he's here now, and apparently he's here to stay. I just get the vibe that it's more like he was sent into temporary exile, as opposed to him deciding that this was what he wanted. I dunno, I hate to be pessimistic and I don't wanna jinx things, but to be honest, I just don't see this turning out well. His older brother Shaan stayed with us through (most of) high school, and that was... [just short of a disaster], so this isn't exactly without precedent.

And I dunno, I WANT to be supportive, but I'm finding that I don't even know HOW to help. The more nebulous the goals, the more clueless I feel to provide any insight. And maybe it's just that I haven't seen him exhibit his own sense of drive yet. I dunno, I think after a certain age, your drive has to come from within; any imposed upon you by others will only lead to disappointment or frustration ...or worse: side-effects.

Anyways, so I guess it's a little early to say how things'll go just yet. But for now, the dynamics of the household have changed, and I'm trying to find my bearings and figure out what's the same and what's different. Just when you settle into a groove with your life, life throws you a curveball, and you've got to re-adapt. =/

*I keep making promises I'm not sure I can keep. =/