So I met up to Brian tonight; we hadn't really chilled since like 10th grade. After running out of things to do, we decided to just cruise around and so we drove around aimlessly in Plano for like 2 hours. We talked a lot. I realized that he's really matured a lot since we last hung out; he doesn't seem like just some punk kid now. He said he feels like he's undergone a major change since going off to college. He didn't come to UT like the rest of the herd- he took the road the less travelled, and for him, I guess it really
has made all the difference. He said he's met people (like his RA) that have changed his life; he really looks up to his RA and sees him as a role model. I realized that I don't feel like I've got any figure in my life like that. I feel like I need some kind of guidance or example, but I find myself with no one to look up to. They say that the point of going to college is to grow as a person, and that that's just as important as the actual
learning that's supposed to be going on. In addition to the learning of academics is learning how to be a person.
We talked about how after going to college, people's purposes in life change a bit. For me, it's a very scary change. In high school, everything was about getting myself into college- making good grades, overloading with extracurriculars, everything. Now that I'm in college, I feel lost, like I don't know what it is I'm working towards. I mean, yea, ultimately I guess it
is to get a job, but what kind of job? There's so many options; and what if I want to stay in school longer, that's an option too. It's all so confusing. My entire life up to this point has been geared towards making the grade, and now, that's not what dominates my existence anymore. It's as if up to this point I was going down a one-way street with everything very concrete and definite, and now I've reached a multitude of intersections, one after another- everything's ambiguous and I don't know where to go or what's the best way to get there.
Life just feels so complicated as of late.
Also, when I got to college, I came to the realization that
nothing I did in high school really mattered any more. No one cares about the SAT score or class rank. For better or worse, everyone who got into UT is in this together more or less. And that's a pretty frustrating thought sometimes, cuz I absolutely slaved my
butt off in high school- and for what? Only to go to the same college as friends of mine who slacked off throughout high school. Along those same lines, I thought: doesn't the same logic apply for the transition between college and the job? Once you actually
get your job, your boss and co-workers aren't going to care about your GPA or extracurriculars. The only conclusion I could draw from this was that on the whole, grades aren't as important as we make them out to be. Back in high school, my top priority was getting good grades- and look what that's gotten me: NOTHING. So thus, I've resolved that from now on, I shouldn't take grades as seriously. I mean, of course, grades are still
important, just not
that important. I know there are supposed to be more important things in life, even though I don't know exactly what yet. I also resolve to find out what the important things in life really are.
I've got a lot of regrets about the way I went through high school. If I could go back in time with knowledge of how things would turn out, I'd have done things very differently. First and foremost would definitely be my emphasis on grades, of course. I mean, I don't know if I woulda been a
slacker, but I certainly wouldn't have pulled so many all-nighters or missed out on fun to study. Reflecting back, I realize that in all my 4 years of high school, I never skipped a
single class- of course I've had doctor's appointments and sick days, but I've never misssed for the hell of it and faked a sick note afterwards. There were a lot of opportunities that I missed out on or turned down that in retrospect could have made my life a lot more interesting. All throughout my life, I've been of the mind that
carpe diem killed the cat. If I could go back, I think I'd take more chances in life. I'm reminded of how in
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Shu Lien and Li Mu Bai always hinted at their emotions but never acted on them, and in the end they were left with nothing. I mean, I guess this isn't the easiest thing in the world to change, but I'll work on it... baby steps.
Also, I've been re-evaluating my own self worth. Of course everyone says that where you go to college doesn't directly correlate with future success, but I can't help but feel a little bit insecure. I mean, I can't help but think of that scene from
Liar, Liar where the son says, "My teacher says that true beauty is on the inside," and the dad replies, "Oh, that's just something ugly people say." Heh, so like the people telling you which college you go to doesn't matter are the ones that didn't get in. But yea, it was a tremendous blow to my ego when I didn't get accepted to my two choice colleges. I watched
Orange County (, whose central message was that you don't have to go to a prestigious college to be who/what you want to), and sometimes I'm like
that's darn right!, and other times I'm like
that is SUCH a crock. I think for me, it wasn't so much the actual process of going somewhere that mattered; it was the fact that acceptance would have been validation of my abilities.
But anyways, college is all about change, right? Changing as a person and everything? I saw it in Brian; he seems a lot more mature and adult-like now than back in high school. I have yet to undergo such a change myself. I think part of my problem is the fact that I'm aware that the change should be taking place and am actively seeking it out. Not to get all Taoist and stuff, but Brian brought up that perhaps the way to attain what you seek is to stop chasing after it, and to let it come to you instead. That statement applies on a lot of levels, not just about change. But yea, we were reminded about how in our fighting days, we'd liken increases in our fighting abilities to jumps in "power level" (a la Dragonball Z). Well, now, if we use the same analogy with life, I feel like Vegeta when he sees Goku transform to Super Saiyan, and so he trains really hard to get on par, but as much as he tries he can't do it. Yea, if you've watched DBZ, I think the analogy is rather fitting.
*sigh* So I guess I'm trying too hard. I gotta just go with the flow...
