Mr. Nobody. So I dropped out of my muay thai school earlier this month cuz I just couldn't make it to class enough for it to be worth the cost. One by one, all these activities and things that I used to like, all the things I used to define myself by, seem to have fallen by the wayside.

I haven't read any good comic books or graphic novels in months (or any regular books either). I haven't trained seriously in martial arts. I haven't watched any anime series all year (I've even fallen months behind on Naruto & Bleach). I haven't seriously computer gamed since right after graduation. And I can't even eat gluttonous amounts of food like I used to anymore without my stomach hurting. And it leaves me wondering: who AM I anymore? And I mean, if you can't define a person by their likes and dislikes, what CAN you define them by?

I feel like I'm lacking a sense of identity these days. If I can't tangibly point to any one thing that I reeeaaaaally like doing these days, if I'm just kinda "meh" about everything, then what hell am I doing? What the hell is the point?? What is life without any passions?

Maybe this is what that nebulous concept of "growing up" is all about- giving up "childish" pursuits? Conforming to some "mature" but boring-as-hell ideal of what society expects us to be?? I say SCREW that! ("I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid!") There's got to be a way to age while preserving your sense of self. I dunno, part of me wants to declare war (or mutiny?) against this 9-to-5 obsessed world that's robbing me of my soul.

...But I'm not even 100% sure what that means. I mean, I've been trying to find the open road for years now. I was a chicken before, and I'm a chicken now- that much hasn't changed. Who did I think I was there for a second? What was I gonna do- start the revolution? ... ... ...

Froot Loops & Broken Promises. I remember how Froot Loops were my favorite cereal during my early teenage years. Probably in no small part due to the fact that my mom didn't let us buy sugary cereals like that much, so I didn't get to have them very often. But MAN, did I love me some Froot Loops! And I remember back before college, I promised myself that I'd never outgrow my love of Froot Loops. And you can imagine my excitement to find out that the college cafeterias had it- as MUCH as you wanted.

And maybe that was the problem. Maybe eating it way too often (~2 bowls a day, nearly every day freshman year) DID have a bit to do with my cooling sentiments towards the cereal. But it happened so gradually. Once a month or so, I'd get some other cereal instead, like "ennhhh, I don't really feel like Froot Loops today." And once a month became once a week, then twice, then before I knew it, I wasn't really helping myself to Froot Loops much at all.

And that's when it all hit home. I'd broken the promise I made to myself- I no longer loved Froot Loops anymore. Yea, I think a little bit of me died inside that day. Guess you can't "follow your nose" forever. =/ Sorry, I let you down, Toucan Sam.

*Flaunt. So recently, the thing that scares me most about time passing is the 10-year high school reunion inching closer & closer. In American society it seems, the 10-year reunion is the one that you have to really flaunt for and try to IMPRESS everyone, like “look what a success I’ve become! Don’t you regret not being nicer to me / not going out with me / not being my friend?” Like in the movies, you gotta wear some nice outfit and show up in some flashy sports car with some hot arm candy to talk about your prestigious high-paying job. And I talked with my coworkers who already went to theirs, and they say that yes, the 10 year reunion IS pretty much like that, (but by 20 years, everyone’s already married and where they’re gonna be in life, so no one left to impress, and they just show up in jeans and t-shirts, haha).

Anyways, so for ME, at least, I feel a lot of pressure cuz nearly like 3/4 of the ppl I know are back in school now for med school, law school, pharmacy school, MBA, grad school... And so I feel like I can’t be the only one showing up at the 10-year reunion without an advanced degree, otherwise it’s like admitting defeat to all my high school rivals. >_< And maybe that’s a really dumb reason for wanting to go back to grad school, but I’m not gonna lie and say this doesn’t play a big factor in my decision (more on this in a sec).

So in the immediate term, I’m gearing up to take the PE (Professional Engineer) exam at the end of October. LAST October, it was almost the exact same thing, when I was super stressing over the FE (Fundamentals of Engineering) exam. So the FE was kinda like part 1 of 2 to get professionally licensed. If I pass this PE, that’ll be the last big obstacle (then I just have to get 2 more years working experience), then I’ll be licensed. Then I get to put letters after my name on a business card if I want. But yea, I've been having some serious problems motivating myself to study though. =/

Anyways, back to the grad school thing... I kinda delayed taking the GRE for like half a year in order to take this PE exam, which will end up delaying any admission into grad school until like Fall 2009 at the earliest. But yea, I feel like I keep putting off the things I WANT in life for my job, or one thing or another. I find it’s really hard to be true to yourself and do the thing that leads most directly to what you want. I keep trying to fulfill other ppl’s expectations first, I think. But I guess another piece of the puzzle is that these days, I’m not even SURE what I want.

The masks we wear end up wearing us- you wear a mask for long enough, you start to forget what's underneath. It becomes hard to separate yourself from the mask. I feel like I've pretended to be what I think ppl WANT me to be that I've forgotten who I wanted to be in the first place. I'm so sick of trying to fit into this box of what I think everyone else wants. Yet I've been boxed in for so long that I don't know HOW to be anything other than a square. I've become institutionalized. =/ Catch-22.