"I Feel Like a Reject From the Freakshow" ~Stretch Princess - Freakshow. I've been suffering from some serious self-confidence issues for quite awhile now. I've never had particularly high self-esteem, but I feel like recently, it's lower than ever. It's a long-term issue that started in my childhood that I've never quite been able to beat. But it's just... at a real low point right now. =/

Ok, I hate to keep bringing up fighting/martial arts, but I feel like it's just ripe with metaphors for life. In the immortal words of Mr. Miyagi: "Daniel-san, must talk. Man walk on road. Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished [makes squish gesture] just like grape. Same here. You karate do 'yes,' or karate do 'no.' You karate do 'guess so,' [makes squish gesture] just like grape. Understand?"

At some point you just gotta be decisive in your life, and right now, I'm not. I'm too content to just sit back and wait for things to happen to me instead of being proactive and making the moves I need to. When you throw a punch, you have to believe it's gonna connect. And you gotta believe that if it connects, it's gonna hurt your opponent. And right now, honestly, I don't. =/ Too much self-doubt. I end up second guessing myself and hesitating to do what I know I should be capable of. I just don't really believe in myself these days, don't have faith that I can do anything right.

I guess a lot of it boils down to a diminished sense of self-worth. Some days, I just really can't shake the feeling that I'm a pretty worthless human being. I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not sociable and charming enough, not mature enough, not responsible enough, not strong-willed enough. And I feel like I'm not deserving of getting that raise/promotion, of having a job I love, of being loved, of having more friends, of having a more fulfilling life, of having anything I ever want. I am simply not worthy. I dunno, I just feel like I ought to be a much better person all-around than I am right now. And at times it's frustrating, but usually it's just depressing- horridly, horridly depressing. =(

And the rational side of my brain tells me that nobody's COMPLETELY worthless. But once you let yourself start thinking like that, it's a slippery slope/downward spiral, and it's easy to lose yourself and become totally despondent. The depression has been slowly seeping back into my life, and I'm struggling to keep it at bay. I dunno, I just hope things finally start going right for me in life again, and I can have something to feel good about for a change. =/

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.
I know right now you can't tell,
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me."
~Matchbox 20 - Unwell