(cont.) "Yea he's a looker, but I really think it's guts that matter most."

But... but... *sigh* I'm prone to regret- always wondering what was on that road not traveled. I don't doubt that this opportunity would be an adventure, but am I ready to throw caution to the wind along with all the "safe" things I've built up my life around? I don't know. And like I've said before, not making a decision is itself a decision one way or another. "He who hesitates, masturbates," as they say. I've always wondered why other ppl seem to live lives far more rewarding on any and all levels than my own. I suppose now, it's not that hard a question to answer: it's because I'm a no-risk-taking, consequence-fearing, not-impulsive worrywart.

I guess it's this: do I accept this calculated half-misery or ditch everything and start over from scratch with nothing and nobody in the wild? And... I... I can't. I can't trade this safe semi-suckness for that quick bout of instant gratification. And maybe it's cuz I think I know where that road leads, and think it leads to a dead-end in about 5 years, but for that... would it be worth it? I dunno, I can't make this decision- and I guess that is my decision. Try as I might to be resolute, my only resolution seems to be no resolution at all. =/ I try to take fate by the horns, but I'm still, hopelessly, just the rodeo clown being tossed around helplessly. So in the future, when I look back and wonder why my life sucks, I should already know- it's cuz I'm a chicken. =(

Why am I still so weak?