My brother was back from college for the weekend; he left this afternoon and took the Lexus with him. Man, no more cruising around in style for me, haha.

I went and saw Blade II tonight. I thought it was really cool, but I still liked the first one better. I thought a lot of the camera work was terrible in this one. I dunno, maybe my eyes were tired, but I couldn't follow what was going on in the fight scenes (mainly at the beginning; it got better as the movie progressed). And the CGI fight sequences are kinda goofy too. Heh, but yea, it's true... there is a lot of senseless beating in this movie, hahaha. Oh, and they killed off Donnie Yen's (Wong Kei Ying from Iron Monkey) character too fast, grrrr. Man, seriously, Donnie Yen shoulda been playing Blade, and Wesley Snipes shoulda been random vampire guy who gets killed! Haha, well, anyways, I enjoyed the movie thoroughly.

You know, blogging's seemed like a really big hassle as of late. I've been wondering: who do I blog for? Is it for me- to keep track of my thoughts? Or is it for others- to let them know what's going on in my life?

I really can't decide. Cuz if it's for me, why do I write such trivial things like what I do on a day-to-day basis, and why do I try to blog even when I'm not in the mood? But if it's for others, why do I write about such personal thoughts and emotions sometimes? hmmmm...

I attended a lecture at UTD with my father this afternoon. The speaker was addressing the topic of quantum computing. I'd done some reading on the topic, so I wasn't completely clueless about the subject. The guy was really knowledgeable, but not a very good orator. He seemed to jump back & forth between incomprehensibly complex and absurdly easy topics, though, so I only understood half of what was going on. The most intriguing thing he mentioned, in my opinion, was the idea of using constructive interference of light waves as a means of like solving for unknown stuff in data... hard to explain. I don't know how much practical knowledge I took away with me from that lecture, but at least it got me thinking.

Went tux [shopping] today after school. Perhaps "shopping" isn't the appropriate term; more like "looking for the appropriate tux to rent for a weekend," if that could be stated in a single word. Anyways, man, it took forever! Who woulda thought choosing a tuxedo was such a mind-boggling task? So many choices, so many options! Crikey, it took me nearly 2 hours to finally decide on the proper combination of jacket style, vest style, shoe style, tie/bow, etc. And also, whatever jacket I get, it's not gonna fit me properly. =/ The guy said that my shoulders are broad compared to my waist, and they don't carry jackets cut like that, so it's gonna be loose at the stomach area.

Oh, and I had to do a presentation in government class today. And it's like a tradition that the presenters always give the class tons of food/candy as like a bribe for a good grade, heheh. Yea, I scarfed down a bunch of candy. *sigh* There goes my 6-pack- I actually had one this week. Seriously though, my 6-pack comes and goes like the wind! Haha, but it's usually gone (heh, "gone with the wind"!). I'm just not motivated enough to work out on a regular basis to maintain it. I figger, hey, it's covered by a shirt, right? No one's gonna see it anyways. Ah well, maybe it'll help my tux jacket not look so baggy on me, heheh. =P

My school had "Stay Day" today. It's supposed to encourage students to stay on campus for lunch to conserve energy. I mean, I know they mean well, but how can they expect to impact things with just a single day out of the year? They should have Stay Day once a week, hahaha. Anyways, they had Dippin' Dots ice cream- very yummy! =) I bought 3 servings, even though it was clearly a rip-off.

*Oh yea, and the math UIL sponsor treated the team to lunch at Gazeebo Burger on Tuesday (3/26). That boosts the number of times I've gone off campus for lunch this year to somewhere around 3. Yup, I'm doing my part to conserve energy, heheh... or maybe I'm just a loser, either or.

Here's an interesting little story that Ruth pointed me to:"Snow, Glass, Apples". Creepy, and a slight bit PG-13, if not R, but definitely way cool.

CRIKEY! I slept through martial arts club tonight! I acccidentally set my alarm clock for AM instead of PM, so it never went off. I was super tired after pulling an all-nighter yesterday to (start &) finish the government citations. But man, I feel so guilty about missing the club meeting; I'm always there unless I tell them otherwise. I even remember telling Jeff at school today, "I'll be there... If I'm not there, it's because I'm DEAD!" hahahah, d'oh!

AGGHHH... gov't citations... worst pain in the butt ever

I competed in the regional UIL math competition(s) today. I took 3 tests: number sense (mental math), calculator applications, and mathematics. The number sense was the only thing I did particularly well in though- I tied for 2nd place. In the grand scheme of things, my score really wasn't even that good. Some others were just really bad. Yea, that's the only event I placed in individually. We got 1st place team in number sense, and 2nd in calulator apps. Then we got slaughtered in mathematics. I'd never done a practice test for that category before, so I had no idea how fast you had to go. And to think... I was taking my time, haha, d'oh! Needless to say, we got creamed in that event.

*Afterwards, I went to help John move into his new apartment. I felt kinda guilty, cuz I didn't get there til they were practically done. John treated us to dinner at the mall afterwards. I had Dickey's barbecue; I ate 1 lb. of brisket! I was soooooo full. It's just harder to consume large amounts of brisket since it's so dry, I think. But yea, I felt like I had to prove to myself that I could do it (finish the plate), cuz I wanted to feel like I could still do something I set out to do... after MIT and all... =(

We sparred at kung fu for like the first time in over a year. It was... cathartic. And call me a masochist, but it seemed fitting to have physical pain compound my psychological pains. But yea, it feels good to get back in the game, I've been going soft- I could barely hold my own tonight.

Erika & Pearl got me a bear from Teddy Crafters (one of those build-your-own bear places) to make me feel better about not getting into MIT. I guess you could say it's a "don't feel bad cuz you're stupid" gift. =/ Oh well, I appreciated it, and it made me feel a little better. It was a karate themed bear, by the way. These custom bear things are usually quite pricey, but Pearl got the hook-up cuz she works there, so it was all good...

@#$%@#$%!!!!!!!! graaaaaaaggghhh!!!! MIT letter came today... REJECTED!

I wish the post office had kept it a little longer now. =( Dang, I slaved in high school for NOTHING! Man, a childhood dream shattered by a single sheet of paper. I've just been dealt the worst slap to face of my entire intellectual career! I feel like they've just torn the heart and life out of my body. It hurts... to find out that you're not one of the elite... that you're just another nobody. =(

Man, I would kill to have gone to MIT... several times if necessary! I would perform (or be a party to) deeds not legal in 48 states.

Man, I'm starting to have dreams about receiving my MIT letter. (It still hasn't arrived yet.) First, I had a dream that I got a huge packet with MIT written on it... I assume that woulda meant I'd been accepted. But then, immediately after that, I had another dream, where I received this smaller envelope, and I pulled out the sheet of paper inside, and it had like these 2 check--boxes: "Yes, you have been accepted" and "No, you have been rejected." ...the "No" box was checked on mine. =( It felt so real too.

I hate those dreams that seem sooooo realistic that even after you've woken up, you can't decide if the stuff in your dream really happened or not. It's like, the dream is so logically reasonable, so plausible, that it seems just like something that would happen in real life. This was one of those dreams. I had the dream at about 2:00AM... it took me until about 6:00 to realize that it was just a dream. *whew* safe... but for how long?

I was doing basic pole at kung fu for the first time in months, and somehow, I managed to rack myself, VERY badly with the pole! Auugghhhh... had that aching feeling in my entire stomach area for like half the class... ooooo, ouch! Man, I'm gonna be the butt of jokes for weeks at kung fu, hahaha, d'oh!

*Oh, and the performance team members got red packets for doing the New Year's shows. Not a bad season's work...

I went to Todai with my parents for dinner despite torrential rains (I think it was a new record downpour). It was my mom's birthday, and I guess they wanted to cash in on the "birthday-person eats free" deal. Well, the place seems to have gotten a little less cool since the grand opening, but it's still not bad I suppose.

still no word from MIT... soooo nervous...

awww, crikey, they cancelled the physics field trip to Six Flags scheduled for tomorrow. =( We were gonna get out of school for the entire day. Man, now I'm screwed for the government test tomorrow, hahaha, d'oh!

OMG!!! MIT mailed its letters... and a few of my friends got in already. But mine hasn't come yet. I'm SOOOOOO worried. My ego will either be made or crushed in the next few days! Ooohh, the waiting is such torture!

Root Canal Part II. well, the doc decided that it was good enough, so I don't have to go in again. Yea, but I can't bite hard stuff with my front teeth now... forever!

Well, it looks like I'm going to the Plano (not West) prom. I asked Ruth over AIM, which probably wasn't exactly the most suave move I've ever made, hahaha. Oh, and one of the provisions of her going with me is that if I get a really good offer to go to West's I gotta cancel on her and go to the West prom. Yea, anyways, I dunno, it's a weird mixed feeling of victory and defeat at the same time. Don't get it? Oh well, Ruth understands what I mean...

I went and saw Kung Pow with some friends at the dollar theatre. Man, it was so tacky, but it was hilarious in that cheesy kinda way, hahaha. Saw several people I knew at Java.

I had dinner with my family at Texas de Brazil tonight, sooooo good. It's one of those "churrascaria" meat-on-swords types of places- a meat BUFFET! =) I missed out on a lion dance performance to go with my family. I did a lion dance last night, though- it was way out in Fort Worth, at Big Bowl. That place has gotta have the most creative bathroom sinks I've ever seen. The sides of the basin protrude upward, making it look like a plate/bowl, and the faucet part is made to look like one of those water pump thingies- sooo cool. If I ever get super-duper rich, you can bet one of the bathrooms in my house will have sinks like that! =P

Ummm, yea, I started learning kwandao (horse sword, aka naginata) at performance group training today. It's pretty cool, and you get such a feeling of authority carrying a weapon as massive as that. But yea, I think I need to work out my shoulders if I wanna be able to handle the kwandao like nothing.
The performance group class has kinda been restructured since I protested about unequal teaching last year. Hmmm, gotta wait and see if this new system is any better. =/

I went with a group of people to visit Erika's mom in the hospital. We met up at school a little bit past noon. I hadn't eaten yet, and I was starving, so I decided to go to McDonald's while waiting for the other people to show. I meant to get flowers, but I forgot, so I went to McDonald's with the excuse that I was getting her mom a "get-well Big Mac," hahaha. It wasn't until later that I found out she couldn't eat. =/ But seriously, if my friends got my mom a get-well Big Mac while she was in the hospital, she'd be like, "Aw, you guys are the greatest!" =P Got a huge ketchup stain on my pants trying to eat on Tim's car. Not much else happened.

In a poem writing mood...

"The Death of Hope"
The unspoken words remain locked forever within the confines of my heart.
The secret tears at my insides, claws away at my heart, screams for release.
To no avail; it cannot escape, I will not allow it. It will wither away along with my soul,
Languish within me til the sands of time erode this fading dream back to nothing.
Then one day I'll say that these thoughts never existed,
That the glimmer in my eye was just an illusion, that I had never hoped at all.
A thought, expressed to no one, and barely alive within me, buried among countless sorrows;
A memory of a dream that at one time seemed so feasible, that I reached for
But was not even close enough to let slip through my fingers.
And maybe, some sleepless night as I gaze wistfully at the moon,
The thought will return to me, and I'll cry over the milk that was never spilt-
Cursing that false hope that you gave me. Hope is a liar. Hope is a heartbreaker.


...needs editing. it's just raw emotion right now

Some song lyrics come to mind that are sooo terribly fitting right now, but I won't mention them- so as to maintain some degree of abiguity in the thoughts I express.

I just watched Jackie Chan's City Hunter again. Haha, man, that movie's so wacky. My favorite scene is still where they turn into Street Fighter characters, hahaha- that's classic.

I had a semi-bad hair day today. It wasn't that my hair was uncooperative, I just wasn't thinking when I did it, hahaha. I usually comb it over from the side, but today for some reason, I put the part like an inch higher than normal- it was weird.

I guess I've got pretty weird hair to begin with- it's not like a standard hairstyle or anything, I kinda just made it up on a whim one day back in 10th grade. It's like a combination between a 3/4 part and spikes, maybe? I used to get asked about it a lot, and I'd say that it was my "personal style"; but at the end of the day, it's still just a silly hair-do, hahaha.

*I got sick of Archmage, so I gave my mage to Danny.

I remember learning in Humanities class how personality is the likely result of genetics and/or upbringing. Well, after doing some crude psychoanalysis on myself, I decided that my shyness and reclusiveness are the result of events in my childhood. I think it's probably the same way with a lot of younger siblings.

I recall how all through my youth, my older brother was better than me at everything we did. A lot may have just been becauase he had an age advantage over me, but he was stonger, faster, better looking, and smarter (with a lot less effort) than me.
I remember, in the computer game, Fallout, there were 2 possible character perks: "gifted" and "skilled." Gifted was having been born with innate talent, whereas being skilled was having achieved ability through continual practice and refinement. Where my brother was gifted, I guess I was more skilled- I had to try a lot harder to be good at stuff.

Constantly doing worse than my brother and rarely earning praise, I developed a sense of inadequacy- thinking that I wasn't good for anything. I was afraid to try new things and express my thoughts for fear of not being good enough.
Well, somewhere around middle school, I decided maybe I should focus my energies on activities that my brother didn't do, and in this way stem further disappointment. I joined the math club, and started taking kung fu, for example. To some extent I guess it was successful- I finally started developing some semblance of self-worth / self-confidence. The passage of time kind of leveled the playing field between my brother and me, but not before I developed something of an inferiority complex.

Hmmm... I forgot where I was going with this entry. =/ Oh well.

I was supposed to spend the majority of the day doing my PE correspondence stuff, but I ended up going to Stonebriar and iceskating with some old (and some new) acquaintances. I never really got the point of stuff like iceskating, it's just going around and around in a circle until you get tired- decidedly redundant, yet... slightly soothing, weird. But man, iceskating can make your feet sore like no other! I hadn't iceskated since probably like elementary school, hahaha. Afterwards, Debbie & I went to the library and did a lesson of PE.

My friends decided that they were going to celebrate my birthday today- over a month late. Kevin, Tim, Kent, Edward, and I met up at Main Event. There was a miscommunication somehow, so we didn't end up playing any videogames. =( Instead, we played a couple rounds of pool, which was pretty fun. Then we went and got some burritos from Chipotle; we ate 'em at the mall with Frulatti.

Afterwards, we went & chilled at Kent's place for a bit- no one had any ideas of what to do; Plano's sooooooo boring! Well, we finally decided to go to Blockbuster and rent a movie. We got A Better Tomorrow and watched it at Eddy's place. It was alright I guess, but I thought it was gonna be so much cooler, cuz everyone says it's a classic- just a lot of blood. I don't get it, how did this movie make Chow Yun Fat's career? And which was the famous "rice eating" scene?

While watching the movie, I consumed a ton of junk food. Eddy busted out this platter of chips and popcorn and stuff... how could I resist? =P I musta had like 3 days worth of saturated fat right there, hahaha, it was great! Yea, then I went home, and didn't wanna tell my parents that I'd spoiled my dinner, so I ate another meal, haha, I was so stuffed.

We used to have this showerhead-on-a-hose thing at my old house before we moved. And I remember how if you cranked the water up high enough, the force of the water would be enough to make the showerhead stand up. I used to pretend it was a snake, and would play all sorts of games, hahaha- good times, good times. Maybe that's where I got in the habit of letting my imagination run rampant while in the shower.

I watched Stormriders today- it wasn't quite as good as I'd hoped it'd be (; I had high expectations), but I guess it was amusing. The first 30-60 minutes really captivated my imagination, but the story was kinda downhill from there- kinda goofy, actually. But the special effects made up for it. I really liked the character of Cloud, he reminds me of myself taken to the extreme, and about 20... wait no, more like 100 times cooler! =P Man, I wish I could do martial arts like in the movie.

I got kinda depressed thinking about how I've been training kung fu for quite awhile, but in the grand scheme of things, I have not become significantly more powerful. *sigh* If I could have one wish right now, it would be for unstoppable power.

I tested and got my red sash today at kung fu. I was feeling terrible during the test though. My allergies have been killing me all day, and my stomach was hurting really badly. My stomach used to hurt like that all the time. My mom said that it was from constant worry- some kinda psychosomatic link. But yea, I passed the test, even though I wasn't performing top notch. Mike, Nien, Don, Penny, and Krist also tested- everyone passed.

We're having a BBQ in a sec to celebrate.

I caught the second half of the Plano Showcase. Debbie's the only one I knew that I actually saw performing- very good. Missed all of my other friends' acts, blehhh. I saw a bunch of people I knew after the show, though.

Root Canal part I.... aggghhh...

I went in to the A&M lab today to talk with my science fair mentor about our recently completed project. Well, it turns out I got my facts aalll wrong, hahaha. So, yea, I guess I explained my project all wrong to the judges, hahaha, oh well, no one knew (including me =P ). Ummm, yea, also, he said he wanted to make a poster of our work and have us present at like a symposium/convention thing. Oh yea, and for the first time, my mentor recognized that I was putting more into our project (both in time, and intellectually) than my partner- hahaha, I got a big kick out of that. I mean, that's always been the way I've felt, but I kept my mouth shut; I was surprised he noticed & pointed it out, hahaha.

We had a singing competition at Chinese school today, hahaha. It was rather amusing. We had to sing these Chinese children's songs and stuff. Man, singing (in Chinese) is a lot harder than I thought (especially kids' songs). Well anyways, my teacher decided to get "creative" and have us do a choreographed dance along with our song. Well, I didn't think the moves were very entertaining, so I did my own little thing, heheheh, it was great. Oh, and I seem to have a problem of forgetting lyrics while "dancing." Hahaha, man, I have so much more fun when I don't care about making a fool of myself. =P

I had this weird dream about reincarnation... I think. I was hanging by a rope, over a large pool, and I couldn't hang on any longer. I fell in, and was surrounded by a thick gel. After struggling for awhile, I think I eventually drowned. The world suddenly turned upside down (gravity seemed to turn the other way, and up was now down). I was walking around underwater (presumably as a walking corpse) for a long time across a desolate surreal seascape, and was beginning to lose hope (kinda like at the end of FF8, with Squall wandering aimlessly). I was about to give up, when an angelic woman appeared and told me to come with her. As I started walking again, my body started turning into energy, and I eventually became a floating orb of energy, while my physical body deteriorated away. I (as the orb) flew to this enormous cube of energy with other orbs coming at it (presumably other spirits), and I joined with them and experienced great happiness. (Big blank spot I can't remember, but that I remember experiencing) Then, I felt myself being pulled away, and I "awoke" inside a new body, trapped in a chamber, with others like me but in stasis, only me awake (kinda like in the Matrix, when Neo first comes out of the fake world and sees the real one).

Then I woke up for real. After being awake for an hour or so and thinking about it, I realized that the dream was awfully Dante-esque, with the whole journey through the afterlife thing. And after experiencing perfect happiness (my "beatific vision"), I also coincidentally forgot all the little details. =P

But yea, I think those dreams where you dream about waking up are really creepy, cuz it makes you think: how do you ever know when you're really awake? Maybe you're still asleep, dreaming that you've woken and are living a normal life, when you're really still dreaming. Whoaoaoaoa... creepy.

*Oh yea, and the entire dream had background music, kinda like a giant dreamy music video or something, hahaha.

I went and ate at chili's with Ruth and some of her friends. Man, the babyback ribs are such a disappointment; the commercial's make 'em out to be soooo good, but they're not... at all. I (re-)met Debbie. We went and chilled at Java after that; I stayed for hours cuz I didn't wanna go home.

Got 2nd place at the district science fair... again! It sucks cuz this is the only fair that gives out trophies. For the 3rd year in a row, I've been deprived of a trophy. =( And it sucks even more, cuz it's always the same team that beats us for the trophy in our category, grrrrr! Oh well, we'll school 'em at regionals.

*It snowed again today. Hmmm... it snowed for the school fair too. If it snows for district, I can't help but wonder if it's a sign!

UGGHHHH... the annual all nighter before a science fair

I've gotten in the habit of taking food to school, and snacking in class recently.
Well today at school, I left my cheesy puffs in statistics (in the math building), and I didn't realize til I got to physics (all the way across campus). So I had to go all the way back to math building, only to find that another student had taken 'em thinking they were her friend's. So then I had to hunt down that student in her French class (in main building), and when I got there, I found out she'd given 'em to another teacher in the math building, so I went back to the math building, finally got the cheese puffs, and went aaallll the way back to physics. Whew... what a work out! =P