*So I ended up getting a new phone, cuz the one my brother bought for me last winter broke. I'm still not entirely sure what happened to it, but like it just stopped being able to make or receive calls or SMS'es. It died over 4th of July weekend, and it caused a LOT of headaches. It would show full bars, but it would never be able to get a call out, and I never knew when I missed calls or msg's. I tried a couple different SIM cards, but nothing. I even tried re-flashing it with new software. Nothing.

So eventually I gave up and just ordered a new phone off of Amazon. I ended up getting a Motorola PEBL. It was the nicest cheap phone I could find, at $100 even. (I wanted it in black, but ended up getting orange, since it was 20 bucks cheaper.) And I guess having bluetooth was a big criteria too, now that you can't drive in Cali without a headset anymore (oh yea, my brother gave me his Jawbone headset too).

So far, I'm rather liking the PEBL, to tell the truth. The software feels kinda clunky after having used a phone from a generation later, and I don't like how it doesn't have a memory card slot, but I guess it's forgivable. I really like the feel of the outer paintjob- I feel like such a Gollum, stroking his Precious, hahaha. But yea, seriously, I dunno why this phone was discontinued so fast in the US. We shall see, I suppose.

*You know, I think I like the idea of drinking wine more than I actually like drinking the wine. I feel like it's an act that exudes hoity-toitiness, and that's an image I like. I wish I had a more sensitive palate, but to be honest, I can't really tell good wine from bad. Yea, I dunno, just another case of me trying to be something different, I guess. =/

"Image is nothing. Taste is everything. Obey your thirst."
~Sprite commercials

BBQ's of the World. So me and my coworkers have been doing a "BBQ's of the World" tour the last couple months. Every weekend, we try out a bbq cuisine from a different country/culture of the world. The theme of the tour was "carnivorous diversity," so for every bbq we try, everyone brings in a fun fact about the host country/culture, and we share over dinner. Yea, the whole idea for the tour occurred to me at the gym one day a couple months back, and everyone was remarkably willing to go along with it, heh. So far on the international side, we've done:

1. Korean
2. Brazilian (churrascaria)
3. Mongolian
4. Hawaiian
5. Chinese
6. Filipino
(still have Japanese teppanyaki to go)

Then we swung it back stateside for the major American styles of bbq. We just did Texas style, and we've got Carolina and Memphis styles left.

Anyways, the whole thing's been pretty fun, and it's been a good excuse to try out new restaurants and indulge the carnivore in me, so it's been a win-win situation all around, heh. =P~

I've been having these work-related nightmares recently. It's causing me all sortsa stress. And I'm pretty sure it's because I've been put in charge of 2 performance-based incentive (PBI) items for the company. So the way I understand it, these PBI's are like a bonus round for the company, and for each one we finish, the company gets like a cash bonus from the government (our client). (Whether or not the underlings like me ever see a penny of it, I dunno.) But yea, I guess it's just intimidating cuz, for the first time, I'll be able to back calculate exactly how much my work is worth to the government (...and I don't really know yet, but I'm venturing a guess in the 7- or 8-figure range). And in a way, I guess I'm personally responsible for all that money. It seems like a pretty large burden to shoulder, a lot of pressure... hence the nightmares, I suppose. I guess I'm just so scared of failing, so scared of letting everyone down. And I dunno, realistically, I shouldn't have any problems, but you know me- I'm a worrier.

I talked with my mentor about it, and she said that eventually you just learn what is and isn't important. Once you put in your hours and go home, just forget about it for the day- it's not worth bringing the stress home with you. I dunno, I guess it all just sounds easier said than done at this point. I mean, what if it got to the point where I was putting in overtime? How could I not worry about it afterhours?? Bah, well, worry about it if it ever comes to that, I suppose. =/

Uggghhhh, I feel so crazy and paranoid sometimes. I over think things waaaaaaay too much. Like from one little thing, I extrapolate; and one extrapolation leads to another. And before I know it, I hate your guts! Hahaha.

*siiiiigh* Seriously though, at times, I really DO feel like a can of crazy. No wonder I have such trouble making friends... who would wanna be friends with a crazy person? =/

"Every day I fight a war against the mirror,
I can't take the person staring back at me.

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"
~Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me

"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again." I was talking with Kevin today, and we had a chance to catch up and talk about a lot of things. He's got his own (town)house out in the 'burbs already and everything, and he seems to be living the "American dream" already. And I mentioned that I envied where he'd gotten in life, and how he seems to have made a lot of big moves in his life that have panned out.

And he used an analogy that I thought was pretty spot on... Back in the day, we used to carpool all the time, and it was like a running gag that I had such awful depth perception. So when driving, I'd be sitting at an intersection forever waiting to make a turn, whereas Kevin (who's the bold, and at times reckless, driver) could have made it 3 or 4 times by the time I finally make the turn.

And I think this parallels how I am in the rest of my life as well. I'm always hesitating, waiting for the perfect opportunity to come along, that I pass up all kinds of smaller but equally good options along the way. I'm just not "seize-the-day" enough. I can't see the good opportunities staring me in the face: I have no depth perception. I'm just too scared to take any chances, always hesitating.

*Semi-Aside:
Kevin and I were really close back in high school (though we kinda drifted apart in college). We did science fair together for 3 years back in the day, to much success- making it to internationals twice. We were really a good team probably because we were quite different. It was really pretty yin & yang- a good pairing of my book smarts & technical ability with his street smarts & quick talking ability. At the time, I always thought so highly of myself. I fancied myself the leader back in the day, but in the grown-up world, guys like me end up working for guys like him. The brain always plays second-fiddle to the mouth in corporate America.

So these days, I feel like I'm the one who got the short end of the stick. I would trade my book smarts for street smarts in a heartbeat. In a rich dad/poor dad kinda universe, I'm totally doomed to be the poor dad. =( I just don't have the mentality to be the big fish. I'm too risk averse, too scared at the possibility of failure that I can't see the possibility for wild success either. I've got no depth perception...