*BSC Field Trip. I got to take a little field trip for work (on company time) on 6/26 with all the summer interns. They took us to see the actual Yucca Mountain, which is in the middle of the Nevada Test Site (where they used to test bombs and stuff; they don't anymore, but it's federal government land). It was maybe like 45 minutes or so north of Las Vegas, like seriously in the middle of nowhere.

The "mountain" was a lot smaller than I imagined- like I probably woulda termed it as more of a "hill." They're kind of in the middle of a budget lull, so there wasn't a whole lot going on, but we got to go inside the tunnels (that have been dug so far) and see the kinda scientific experiments they've done in the past. We had to wear hards hats and the whole shebang.

So the whole thing was admittedly a slight bit propagandistic and all, but I guess that was to be expected. I mean, you wouldn't go to a chocolate factory and expect them to tell you about childhood obesity, right? But yea, they had a little info center also with informational displays and posters and whatnot. I got like a bunch of pamphlet type things, a DVD about Yucca Mountain, and a book titled The Nuclear Waste Primer: a Handbook for Citizens, hahah. I've read about half the book- it's actually a decently interesting read (though I wonder if I'd be saying that if my work didn't relate to it).

So anyways, I'll give you the highlights of the tour info. Several decades ago, the federal government had a bunch of scientists look into viable options for disposing of our nuclear waste, and it was decided that burying it was the most reasonable solution. Several sites around the country were studied for many years, but it was finally decided that Yucca Mountain in Nevada was the best location. Currently, nuclear waste is just being kept wherever it's produced, but this was never meant to be a permanent solution; the federal government promised the utility companies that it'd take the waste off their hands, and it gets sued for a bunch of money every year it doesn't. Anyways, so Yucca Mountain is a good choice for location because it's in the middle of nowhere on land the government already owns, the climate is VERY dry, the area isn't very seismically active, and the rock that makes up the mountain is good for absorbing radionuclides if they escape, to name a few- and there'll be a BUNCH of engineered barriers in there as well. The project is pretty unpopular locally, but it's kind of a case of "not in my backyard" attitude, cuz we really do need to do something about our nuclear waste problem- it's just piling up, and it's socially irresponsible to just leave the problem for our children to solve. There's no waste at the mountain yet, and even in the best case scenario, they won't start accepting waste until 2017.

The biggest public misconception is that nuclear waste is this glowing green goop that's prone to spillage, cuz that's what's portayed on shows like the Simpsons, when in actuality, the vast majority of nuclear waste comes in the form of metal rods. The liquid waste that needs to be shipped across the country will be vitrified (turned into solid glass) before it's moved. Much more potentially hazardous (and spillable) materials are shipped across the country all the time, and no one raises much of a fuss.

Anyways, it was a worthwhile trip, and I'm glad I went and saw it, but it's the kind of thing you can see once, and you probably don't ever need to see it again. Not exactly the time of my life, and the drive was kinda far, and you have to jump through a few minor hoops to obtain clearance to be there and all. Bleh. Yea, haha.

You know, I decided I kinda like it when I have red eye in pictures- it makes my eyes match my hair, HAH! (Looking slightly creepy and demonic is another fun side-effect. =P)

I Hate Wal-Mart. For the longest time, I wasn't sure why I harbored this deep-seated rancor against Wal-Mart. Maybe cuz the "liberal media propaganda machine" called the intarwebs tells me that it costs Americans jobs and destabilizes local economies? Or it's bullying business tactics? Maybe cuz my mom frequently comments about how the whole store feels so "cheap" (condescendingly) on the inside.

No, I was out shopping at Ross with some coworkers today, and I had a flashback of being (mildly) lost inside of a Ross as a kid, the kind where you're "lost" for maybe like a minute or two. And suddenly it all hit me: the MAIN reason I HATE Wal-Mart is cuz as a kid, I once got separated from my mom while in a Wal-Mart, and it traumatized me more than I knew. It took a long time to be reunited with her, and the negative emotions just built and built. She left me in the toys section while she shopped, and after a really long time, I started wandering around looking for her but couldn't find her. I started crying, and eventually some strangers helped me out. But yea, it woulda been somewhere between kindergarten and 3rd grade, and it was the most severe case of my ever getting "lost" as a kid. So yea, I guess subconsciously, to this day, whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart, it stirs up these long buried emotions of abandonment and loneliness. And I walk away not completely sure why I hate the store so much, hah. But I finally figured it out, and I guess that's the first step on the road to recovery.

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
~Jack Handey

...speaking of which, I think the movie It made a whole generation of kids dislike clowns.

A Little Too Emo For My Own Good. Almost anytime I have a lot of time to myself to think, I start sinking into depression. I think that's just like the natural state of things in my mind. I can avert it and push it to the back of my mind if I stay physically busy or mentally occupied enough, but given enough time to just sit and think, I naturally start drifting towards that dark, brooding state. The exact minutiae of my musings escape me (they're different every time anyways), but the conclusions are generally the same: the world is a cold dark place; there is no purpose or meaning to it all; mankind is inherently evil; we are doomed to suffering; and in the end, we are all alone, so very alone.

In the Ultimate X-Men comics, whenever Jean Grey is showing signs of craziness (due to the Phoenix inside of her) she's drawn with these tiny goblins (in her mind) crawling all over her. And I think that's a really fitting metaphor for how it feels sometimes. Something that you feel helpless to shake off, that surrounds you and starts off just mildly irritating but can quickly overwhelm you if you don't keep it at bay.

Ok, so this may be the closest I ever come to publicly declaring that I'm a little crazy... or at least very very emo sometimes. Prone to depression, at the very least. And no, it's not nearly as bad now as it was in college, but there've been faint stirrings of it again recently, and I fear the goblins in my mind. =/ I know what they can do, I remember the mess they made of me the last time they took over. I'm afraid, so very afraid... =(

I found myself punching myself in the face the other day and not really knowing why other than cuz it felt real. Afterwards, I couldn't help but think how crazy (& stupid) it all was, but at the time, it felt alright... like the pain was grounding me to reality (as cliche as that is, I'm sure). I'm just glad that I decided to punch and not to cut myself up. =O Yea, I'm a can of crazy sometimes.

This isn't meant as a cry for help or for attention, I'm just hoping that putting it into words helps me beat it, whatever it is, whenever it rears its ugly head. =/ I think that's a part of why I keep running off to LA- cuz if I stay in Vegas, I tend to have too much time to myself to think, and I have a hunch where THAT'll end up.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea, you bleed just to know you're alive."
~Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

LA - June 22-24. So going to LA seems to be a roughly once a month kinda thing for me these days. Half out of boredom, and half cuz it's the only place that comes to mind that I can (semi-) conveniently drive to without a whole lot of planning. And the fact that I can stay for free with my brother and Michael doesn't hurt either. So yea, since I get every other Friday off from work, that makes for convenient 3-day weekends to head out of town (cuz I STILL have like no friends outside of work here in Vegas, hah =/).

On Friday, I had Korean BBQ for lunch at Tahoe with Johnny and Vivian- we ate for like a solid 2 hours or so, hah. After that, I went over to Johnny's place, and we played videogames all afternoon, hahaha. Had dinner at some Thai place with Michael & Ken.

On Saturday, we met up with Michael's sister & Carol for lunch at Din Tai Fung- was really good, but still not as good as I remember Taiwan's was; maybe my memory's playing tricks on me, hah. Grabbed some delicious mochi from JJ Bakery, then me & Mike met up with Allen, Daisy, and Linda and went to the shooting range. I forgot what kinda gun I shot, but I asked the guy at the counter to give me whatever the cops use; it was some kinda .40. I wasn't clustering very well cuz my goggles kept fogging up, but one of my rounds hit squarely on the bullseye, like through the little tiny X in the middle of the circle- I was thoroughly amused, hah.

After that, we headed over to Koji's Sushi & Shabu Shabu in Orange and met up with some of Linda's friends for Linda's birthday party. I was quite disappointed at myself that I couldn't tell kobe, angus, and regular meat apart. =/ I like to consider myself something of an expert on meat eating, but the shabu shabu just kinda cooked away most of the flavor I think. Failure. After dinner, we went bowling at Lucky Strike. I broke a nail bowling (don't laugh! >=O), and I think I wound up last place, but other than that, I had a good time, hah (the booze helped =P).

Sunday was pretty uneventful. Watched Tristram Shandy on dvd; it was really weird, but I liked it- I should check out the book one of these days. Most ppl were busy, so I went out to Santa Monica by myself and just walked around for awhile. Had some seafood for lunch out on the pier, then shopped around the 3rd Street Promenade but didn't buy anything. Had a lot of time to myself to think, which tends not to wind up so well. =/ Went and had dinner at Tasty Garden in Alhambra with Allen & Michael; was the best Chinese food I'd had in a long time, and you get free refills on milk tea while you eat. Left to go back to Vegas pretty late, but I was so hopped up on the caffeine from the milk teas that I couldn't sleep, even when I got back, hah.

*6th Blog Birthday. I don't post nearly as much as I used to, but the blog's probably not going away any time soon. "Another day another dollar..."