*Lasik. I came to Taiwan on my way to Singapore, and my mom arranged for me to get my eyes Lasik'ed while I'm here. The whole process is a lot less bureaucratic here than it is in the states. Like I got the initial checkup in the morning, and by that night I was having my eyes laser-beamed. And none of that "ennnh, you're not a good candidate, I don't think you should do it" business (; I wasn't that good a candidate, but they went ahead and did it anyways). Anyways, I got the OATz (Optimized Aspherical Transition zone) treatment... whatever that means. But yea, if they find out 10 years down the line that this stuff makes you go blind, my whole mom's side of the family tree is jacked, cuz we all got the same kinda treatment more or less.

The actual laser-beaming process is actually quite painless- just looks & feels like a flashing light. But then afterwards, OOOOOOHHHHH MAN! does it hurt like a mother! It felt like having burning coals pressed against my eyeballs from inside the eyelid. I'm not sure if I eventually passed out from the pain or if I quietly cried myself to sleep, but at any rate, those were definitely some of the most torturous hours I've endured in my recent life.

The Results. I guess I wasn't as excited about getting my eyes done as most people would be. The reason being that from start to finish, this was largely my mom's decision. I suppose if I'd been the one to say I wanted to do this, I would have been much more thrilled. I think the only time I cracked a little smile was during the post-examination, when they told me I was seeing better than [20/20]. I have since noticed that my night vision is kinda jacked up though- I have these humongous halos around any point light sources. (They said it'd be worse for me cuz I was a "bad candidate," but that it'd get better as my eyes healed.) This effect even happens a little bit in daytime, but it's hard to explain- I think they said it's cuz my eyes/brain absorb/interprets too much bright lights, or something or other.

Anyways, I guess it's kinda cool to be able to wake up and be able to see clearly first thing in the morning, but the healing period is particularly annoying. I'm not supposed to rub or touch my eyes for a couple weeks, not supposed to swim or get any water in 'em either- to the point that they discouraged washing of the face (I gave up on that stipulation within a week, hahah), and I'm supposed to wear these protective (chem-lab style) glasses (which I gave up on also, cuz they fog up all the time). They say there's a possibility that young folk who get Lasik might need it done again at some point in their life, especially if they read and use computers a lot (i.e. me, haha); so I guess we'll see in a couple years, eh?

**Self-Consciousness. So before the operation, I had to go a couple weeks without wearing contacts (or at least wearing them as little as possible). So for the first time in years, I was forced to wear glasses out in public. I don't know why this is any kind of big deal to me, but I guess glasses have always been one thing I was very self-conscious about (well, since I got contacts in late 7th grade). Like in college, it would not be uncommon to see me out & about (say, in class) in my pajamas with my hair a mess, but I almost certainly would still have my contacts in. (The state (combedness) of my hair was an important concern for me only between 8th & 12th grade.) I mean, these days, I really try not to focus much on how I look on a day-to-day basis, but I guess the glasses thing was one of those old habits that die hard. I think it's cuz I was just really glad to get rid of glasses when I first got contacts, and that set the tone for the rest of my days. (In elementary school, they called me a 4-eyes and didn't let me & the other glasses kids play football with them during recess. =( Kids can be so cruel!) Well anyways, these past couple weeks, if you saw me around in my glasses, hopefully it was for the last time.

Summer Daze. I guess this summer has been one of several realizations amidst the doldrums that were day-to-day life. It's been a tremendous lesson in responsibility, living on my own in an apartment and having to cook and clean up after myself, not to mention taking care of bills and whatnot.

I guess most importantly, I've decided that I'm not ready for grad school yet at this point in my life; I don't have the drive and the dedication for it in my current state right now. I was pretty disappointed in myself at how unpassionate I was about my research material- computational structural dynamics. Seeing as how this was the area that I had previously envisioned myself pursuing graduate study in, my future plans have suddenly required a bit of rethinking. I guess I just really disappointed myself with how much I struggled with this work and how little I feel like I accomplished. It all just felt like a very unrewarding experience, and I guess it kinda soured the whole research thing for me.

I'm still searching for some sense of identity and that feeling of belonging. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I certainly don't know where I'm going. I'm not really happy, but I'm not truly sad either... things are just... [whatever]. Some kinda quarter-life crisis, I suppose. I'm really hoping my semester abroad will help me put some perspective on things. Since mid-last semester, I've just been pushing to make it through till then, suffering through this bleehhhhhhh that passes for life these days. I've been drinking a lot these days, and I know that's never the solution for anything, but it does make certain times so much more bearable. I do worry about my liver sometimes though. =/

I did rather enjoy living in Austin without having to go to school, though. It allowed for a lot more introspection than I could have accomplished back home in Plano. Maybe it's that sense of boundless freedom, or that carefree feeling that I wake up with at 3 in the afternoon, lying in bed staring at the ceiling... the kind of stuff that makes you feel infinite. And while life on the whole is not picture perfect, it's those tiny moments, those blinks of an eye that make me feel at peace, ever so temporarily... like the eye of the hurricane that is my mixed up life these days. Okay, but enough with the tired cliches- the summer was definitely memorable, but I would have done many things differently given the chance. I remember the barbecues, midnight food runs, the 4 or 5 birthdays I helped celebrate, forming new friendships and rekindling old ones, getting whomped at muay thai, edge-of-my-seat anime action, and the first-time feeling of truly taking care of myself. Can't say I accomplished everything I would have liked to, but I've got something to chew on I guess.

I went to a wine dinner at Truluck's tonight with Kent, Jane, Henry V. & his girlfriend. It was like $65 for a 5-course meal paired with 5 different wines (pinot noir's mainly). The food was delicious. And I mean, I'm not much of a wine connoisseur, but I learned a lot and it gave me a bit more of an appreciation of what was (and still is) a grape mystery to me. I learned about how everything about how the grape was brought up comes into play and is expressed in the wine- from the soil, to the temperature, to the rainfall... I dunno, makes you feel like you need to be a historian to get the full experience. Anyways, I ate a lot of good food, drank some good wine, and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Hope to do some hoity-toity stuff like that again sometime.