*Body Image & Working Out. So I guess I have pretty sensitive skin or something, because nearly every time I wait for more than like 30 hours to shower, I get these red spots on my body- almost like bugbites or pimples in the formative stage, but not. Well, I had a couple of these on my chest again this week, and my heart just dropped. I remember that's how the cysts I had started out, and every time, I get a little scared that that's what it'll become.

And I just got real sad cuz I thought about it, and I realized that no matter what I do, I'll STILL never feel very good about my body. I've got too many physical shortcomings: the scars are too ugly, I have bad skin, I've got a fat neck, my head is weirdly shaped... etc, etc. I feel like no matter how hard I try to better myself physically, there'll always be these things nagging at me in the back of my mind. And I started to wonder if maybe I work out excessively in an attempt to somehow overcompensate for my other shortcomings. And yet, no guns or six-pack will ever make me feel completely better. Ugghhh... it all just seems so POINTLESS sometimes. No matter what, I'll NEVER be 100% satisfied with my body image.

And I started to wonder about this whole working out thing in general. I mean, why do I bother? Maybe I like how the muscle burn is, in its own way, a form of corporal mortification. And deep down, maybe I feel that enduring this pain and suffering is somehow making me a better person? (As sick and twisted as that sounds now that I see it written out.) =/

But naw, I think when I started working out seriously, maybe it wasn't for myself. "Gotta hit the gym if you wanna get the ladies," or something. But honestly, pretty much EVERY Asian girl I've ever talked to has said that they're not really into buff guys. >_<

Maybe when it started originally (with the pushups and the kung fu), it was a lingering sense of needing to protect myself after years of getting casual beatings from my brother while growing up. But really, the beatings stopped after about middle school, and I haven't really been all that close to needing to defend myself ever since. And really, after puberty (okay... maybe college, if you're in a frat, hah!), how many problems do you actually resolve through physical force? Like it or not, we don't live in a society where physical strength = social status anymore.

So at the end of the day, if you work out thinking it'll get you girls, you're wrong. If you work out thinking that being physically strong will solve your problems, you're wrong. I guess when it comes down to it, I do it cuz for whatever reason, it gives me some small measure of self-confidence and self-esteem, and I suppose that's as good a reason as any.

I remember when I was leaving my old kung fu school to go off to college, they put us on the spot and had us give these mini impromptu speeches. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the gist of: "Think long and hard about why you train. And think about whether that reason will still be true a couple months or a couple years from now. Because that reason determines whether you will (or even should) still be doing this that far from now." At the time (as greedy and selfish as it sounds now), I told myself: I don't train for the glory of the master, or glory of the school. I train for myself- to become something better than I am now. (Okay, this could be a whole 'nother blog post on its own, but back to my original topic...) Anyways, I guess even then I defined the "bettering myself" thing pretty nebulously, but I think I had it right back then- when you take on any kinda exercise regimen, if you're gonna have any chance of sticking with it for the long term, it HAS TO be for yourself. It can't be for other people, whose opinions you won't care about a few months or a few years down the line. So now, so that I hopefully won't forget or waver & question myself again: Why do I train? I train for me and no one else. (...now I just have to define what exactly training for myself entails.) =/