Apathy Killed the Anteater. This past semester I've been plagued by an overwhelming sense of laziness/apathy. I just can't find the motivation to do anything. I've found myself skipping classes at least an order of magnitude more than I did in that past. Sometimes I wake up around 11:45, decide I'm not going to make it in time for my noon class, go back to sleep, then oversleep my 2 o'clock, then decide to just not bother going to the rest of the day either. And I hardly ever turn my assignments in on time anymore; that is, if I even bother to turn it in at all. I know that one by one they're turning into zeros, but strangely this doesn't bother me. It's like I can tell I'm throwing my life down the drain, and yet I find myself completely unable to care. I know there should be some vague sense of remorse or guilt or something, but in its place is just a complete void of caring- apathy. I feel like I finally understand my cousin Shaan, who at one point just seemed to waste a couple years of his life, much to my parents' chagrin; I think I finally get how you can just burn out and lose all your will to do anything.

Several of my friends have asked me if I'm on pot, and in some ways I wish I was, cuz then at least I'd have an explanation for why I've gotten so lazy and unmotivated. To some extent, I guess I've been burying myself in the bottle these days, hoping to escape this drab and meaningless existence for just awhile. I'm not sure exactly what snapped, but I just don't have that drive anymore- that drive to work, that drive to live. I think the root of my problems is that I'm not passionate about anything these days. There's nothing I feel strongly about that gets me up and out of bed in the morning. So I just lie there reflecting on how meaningless my life is and try to get back into my dreams where stuff's not so bleak. I used to be passionate about my schoolwork, always wanting to make the grade, but recently I feel like a horse that's realized that the carrot's just tied to a stick, perpetually hanging in front of me. I guess I've kinda started to bury myself in weightlifting, but unlike kung fu, it feels like a sport completely devoid of soul. I dunno, I guess I'm just desperately grasping for something to care about in the slightest.

*I looked up this information on the website for Zoloft (antidepressant)

Symptoms:
1. A lasting sad mood - mmm, not terribly
2. Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities - yea, a lot
3. Changes in appetite or weight - gained 10 lbs this semester
4. Changes in sleep patterns - sleeping longer but feeling less refreshed
5. Restlessness or decreased activity that others notice - definitely got the decreased activity thing down
6. Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time - ummm, harder to get up in the morning? (and by morning, I usually mean 2 or 3pm)
7. Hard time concentrating or making decisions - mainly the concentrating part, and mainly just when school-related (hardly an "affliction," I'd say)
8. Feelings of worthlesness or guilt - worthless maybe, guilt no
9. Repeated thoughts of death or suicide - nah, not like I used to when I was younger

...hmmmm, I've got a good number of those symptoms though. I seriously think I may be suffering from depression, guys.