On College Athletics Programs. I remember while going through my education at UT, I was always bitter at the fact that they dumped so much money into the athletics program instead of on more academic pursuits. I figured isn't that what a university is all about?? LEARNING? I guess I just didn't really understand at the time.

I had a slight inkling of it while studying abroad, but really, I didn't start to appreciate the reason for this until after graduating and being away from the university for awhile. On a day-to-day basis, the only time you really get to hear about your school is when its sports teams are playing. And when your school is victorious, you get to feel that little bit of pride at having gone there. Yea, unless you sit around reading scholarly journals, you don't get to have that similar feeling of YES! That scientist went to my school! My school is AWESOME! hah. (Thinking back, I think Vince Young is singlehandedly responsible for my being proud to be a Longhorn, hah.) Yea, so in that regard, I guess since the school's sports teams are its most visible spokespeople, it behooves them to spend a pretty penny on them. It finally makes sense now.

(Yea, the sports teams are probably one of the biggest reasons why I look back and am proud of having gone to UT... Some days I wonder if I woulda been able to feel the same thing if I'd ended up going to MIT? Hmmm... the world may never know.)

Funny I guess, how the reason for these things doesn't come into perspective until a couple years down the road. Like, I remember back in high school, I absolutely hated my humanities and government classes. But during college, those were probably two of the subjects that ended up coming up the most in conversation, and in retrospect, I'm glad for having taken them.

Power Outage. So the electricity in my apartment got cut off today. I had had a feeling that something had probably gone wrong in the activation process cuz I never received an electric bill... ever. But I mean, I DID definitely called the power company when I moved in (I did it twice, actually), telling them to activate it in my name. So when I never received any bills, I thought maybe it was just part of the group of services lumped together under "utilities" on my monthly rent statement.

Then mid-last week, the apartment management left a letter at my door saying they'd been paying the electricity on my apartment since I moved in, and I had until the end of the week to switch it over to my name. So as expected, I called up the power company and again told them to switch it over and made sure to tell the operator that they'd messed it up before, and that apartment management was threatening to cut my power off if I didn't get this taken care of. They told me that they had no record of me ever previously trying to set up my electricity, but that they had it under control now and that it would be switched over immediately... So I thought the problem had been solved.

So I walk into my apartment after work today and was SHOCKED to find that none of the light switches worked. AGAIN, I call the power company to see what the hell was going on. After checking their records, they admitted they'd made a mix-up and would reactivate the power in a couple hours.

If it was just me, I wouldn't have made a big deal about it- I woulda just called it a day and gone to bed super-early. But my parents still wanted to have dinner at home and all. So we ate fried chicken in the dark... it felt so primitive, ahahaha. Seriously- no computer, no tv, no light for reading... what the hell did people DO back in the day? hahah.

This whole mixup is gonna cost me hundreds of dollars in cooked up late fees from apartment management. -_- So I guess the moral of the story is: the customer service for Nevada Power Company is completely and utterly incompetent. >:O Seriously, to drop the ball not once or twice, but THREE times is just absolutely ridiculous.

Grad School? So I'm seriously considering going back to school. It had been floating around in my head for awhile now, but I guess it just kinda built to the critical point today. I've been working on this new project at work (computer model of thermal expansion) for a couple weeks now, and I've just been completely stumped as to how to solve it. And I was just sitting around at work today, and I got to thinking Man, I really hate this feeling of being so STUPID... you know, maybe I ought to go back to school.

But really, this grad school thing is just something I need to do for myself. I've been going through these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness recently- like I'm just not a very well-rounded individual. So I guess as a part of some kinda broader personal self-betterment plan, I wanna go back to school. I think that doing this would somehow help me feel like a better person. I know maybe it's a little shallow, but I just need tangible accomplishments in my life that I can point to to know I'm not a worthless human being. =/ I dunno, I feel like maybe I wanna do this grad school thing for all the wrong reasons... like I'm worried that I may be more interested in a piece of paper than in actually learning anything.

But I guess part of me had always wanted to get a master's... eventually. The last part of undergrad had left such a bad taste in my mouth for schooling that I didn't think I'd be ready for awhile, but studying up for this FE exam recently made me realize that I can handle the studying again- my mind is mentally recovered enough. And I just feel like it's now or never... I'm not getting any younger. And I'd like to be long done with all my schooling by the time I'm 30. >_<

If I study something related to my current job, my company would pay for it (which is a definite plus). So I'm looking at an M.S. in either nuclear or mechanical engineering. The former sounds more interesting, but I'm afraid I'll be pigeon-holing myself into certain kindsa jobs later in life if I do cuz it's a lot less general. I dunno, I'll have to think about it. So yea, I'd be looking at night classes after work (it's TRUE: it's VERY hard to walk away from a nice paying job to go back to school- I don't think I could), maybe like 2 classes a semester, and finishing in the neighborhood of 3 years.

I started researching my options, and correspondence courses don't appear to be an option. And it looks like the only half-way legit school around these parts is the fourth-tiered UNLV. -_- I dunno, it's a little bit less prestigious than I was hoping for, but it's better than nothing I suppose. If nothing else, at least it makes it that much easier to get in, HAH. (Yea, my cumulative undergrad GPA was still pretty good, but any careful inspection of my transcript would probably lead to a raised eyebrow or two. o_0)

So I guess the first step is to start cramming for the GRE. Then I gotta write up a statement of purpose and round up some rec letters. The deadline for Spring admissions already passed, so it looks like I'm looking to start in Fall 2008. I dunno, I'm not sure if I'm planning to stick around town much longer after that, but hopefully the credits'll be transferable. Anyways, so that's the gist of my plan so far... it's in the works.

Totemism. Those of you who know me know that I don't typically align myself with any of the major mainstream religions (though occasionally I might claim a vague allegiance to Buddhism). But for the most part I would consider myself a "Freethinker" (a term that isn't used much in the US, but that I picked up in Singapore)- and I kinda like that title, cuz (in addition to sounding better than "I made up my own religion,") it lets you pick and choose elements of spirituality from different schools of thought that suit you without having to officially declare fealty to any one doctrine (though I guess in strict terms, "real" freethinking should be grounded mainly in scientific principles). And when you decide you no longer agree with something, you can just drop it, without the whole guilt trip of traditional crises of faith. Plus, it seems to be socially frowned upon to publicly declare you're an atheist; "freethinker" sounds much less incendiary.

In the past couple years, I've picked up bits of shamanism (adding to the schools of neopaganism I occasionally identify with). From the Wikipedia article on totems: "In modern times, some single individuals, not otherwise involved in the practice of a tribal religion, have chosen to adopt a personal spirit animal helper, which has special meaning to them, and refer to this as a totem."

In strict terms, I'm not sure if it counts as a totem, but when I think of myself as an animal, I used to always like imagining myself as a bear. But recently, I've been leaning more towards gorilla it seems. (In the vein of "it's on like Donkey Kong!") And apparently I've taken to the Tarzan-esque practice of beating on my chest when drunk. -_- I guess you could say I'm channeling a silverback or something, hah.

Now, I haven't done the whole spirit quest thing to know for sure what my true animal is, but I've always just gone with what felt about right- and right now, it's gorilla. I remember as a kid, I used to go with a bird, or maybe occasionally some form of predatory cat. I dunno, I guess you just choose a totem animal with the qualities you identify with or want to take on- and right now, I guess cuz I subconsciously keep thinking I'm too weak, I channel an animal known for its strength? Yea, but I'm not sure why I always used to go with bear- maybe cuz the idea of hibernation really appeals to me? =P

(Did you know that: According to a theory of spirit possession, the berserkergang (berserk rage) was achieved through possession by the animal spirit of either a bear or a wolf. Berserkers would cultivate an ability to allow the animal spirit to take over their body during a fight. This is seen as a somewhat peculiar application of animal totemism. ~Wikipedia) Have I also mentioned that the concept of lycanthropy (werewolves) really appeals to me?

As an aside, I remember in Singapore, I was occasionally referred to as the "red bull." The red I assume was a reference to my hair color. Not entirely where the "bull" part came in, hah- Texas longhorns? built like a bull? horn-like sideburns??

Ok, so the surgery I had a couple months back to remove some cysts was a complete and utter failure. The cysts weren't malignant or anything, so getting 'em removed was more motivated by cosmetic reasons. But I just wound up with scars that are bigger and uglier than the cysts ever were to begin with. >:O The dermatologist said I have genetics to blame for my poor scar-healing ability, but that the red/scabby color would fade a bit with time. And I'm getting these shots to make the swelling go down some, so maybe it won't be so bad in the future. But I'm still pretty bitter at how it all turned out. =/

"I Feel Like a Reject From the Freakshow" ~Stretch Princess - Freakshow. I've been suffering from some serious self-confidence issues for quite awhile now. I've never had particularly high self-esteem, but I feel like recently, it's lower than ever. It's a long-term issue that started in my childhood that I've never quite been able to beat. But it's just... at a real low point right now. =/

Ok, I hate to keep bringing up fighting/martial arts, but I feel like it's just ripe with metaphors for life. In the immortal words of Mr. Miyagi: "Daniel-san, must talk. Man walk on road. Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished [makes squish gesture] just like grape. Same here. You karate do 'yes,' or karate do 'no.' You karate do 'guess so,' [makes squish gesture] just like grape. Understand?"

At some point you just gotta be decisive in your life, and right now, I'm not. I'm too content to just sit back and wait for things to happen to me instead of being proactive and making the moves I need to. When you throw a punch, you have to believe it's gonna connect. And you gotta believe that if it connects, it's gonna hurt your opponent. And right now, honestly, I don't. =/ Too much self-doubt. I end up second guessing myself and hesitating to do what I know I should be capable of. I just don't really believe in myself these days, don't have faith that I can do anything right.

I guess a lot of it boils down to a diminished sense of self-worth. Some days, I just really can't shake the feeling that I'm a pretty worthless human being. I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not sociable and charming enough, not mature enough, not responsible enough, not strong-willed enough. And I feel like I'm not deserving of getting that raise/promotion, of having a job I love, of being loved, of having more friends, of having a more fulfilling life, of having anything I ever want. I am simply not worthy. I dunno, I just feel like I ought to be a much better person all-around than I am right now. And at times it's frustrating, but usually it's just depressing- horridly, horridly depressing. =(

And the rational side of my brain tells me that nobody's COMPLETELY worthless. But once you let yourself start thinking like that, it's a slippery slope/downward spiral, and it's easy to lose yourself and become totally despondent. The depression has been slowly seeping back into my life, and I'm struggling to keep it at bay. I dunno, I just hope things finally start going right for me in life again, and I can have something to feel good about for a change. =/

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.
I know right now you can't tell,
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me."
~Matchbox 20 - Unwell

"High on Pot." I really dislike those handicap toilets- you know, the ones where you sit a bit higher up than normal and your feet aren't flat on the ground so that you're on your tippy-toes the whole time? I dunno, I guess it just feels like I can't get any leverage, ya know? Which technically doesn't even make any sense- (I just studied this again for the FE exam, but) if you idealize [it] as a jet of fluid, doing a force balance says that if anything, you should have to brace yourself from flying upwards off the toilet. Or I dunno, maybe the feet on the floor just gives me that nice grounded feeling. On the plus side though, those hand railings in the handicap stalls are kinda handy sometimes, in those cases where it's especially vicious- like in those cases of showerrhea, hahaha.