"Movin' on Up." So I got a promotion at work this week. =) It was alright I guess... I mean, I don't know if I expected to be jumping for joy or what, but it was just kinda like "oh, huh, ok. thanks, that's nice." I guess I just always pictured myself being happier than I was.

It just all feels kinda surreal, I guess... like the money's not even real. I think it'd really hit home and I'd feel more excited about it if they handed me one of those giant gameshow checks or something, heheh. I dunno, maybe it just feels kinda artificial, cuz they can call me something different on paper, but on a day-to-day basis, I'll still be doing the exact same thing as I have been... in that regard, nothing has changed. Well, anyways, I don't mean to sound ungrateful- it's still better than not getting promoted, I suppose, hah.

*Ok, so I realized a couple weeks later that I got partially swindled, or at least was made to feel more psyched than necessary. So on my promotion notice, they told me that I got a combined ~13.5% pay raise. What I didn't realize at the time was that this was including the annual cost-of-living pay increase that everybody gets. I was laboring under the impression that I had another cost-of-living increase coming on top of that 13.5%. But when everyone got their increases, they just told me "What? You got it already. Didn't they tell you??" -_-' So what I had thought was 13.5% was in actuality only like 8 or 9%. Bah! =(

"Watch My Life Pass Me By in the Rearview Mirror." Sometimes I feel like I'm not really in control of my own life. It's like I'm in the passenger seat just being taken along for the ride, powerless to decide for myself what's gonna happen. It's fate behind the wheel, and I'm just a hostage in the car. Everyone thinks I'm making all these bold moves in my life, but I don't really even feel like I'm the one making them. It's just like the only options presenting themselves to me are the outlandish ones.

And I can't say that I didn't want this; hell, I asked for it... kinda. But you could no more blame the rats that scamper away when they sense the boat starting to sink. (It was equal part instinct as it was desire.) I just wanted it to be on MY terms. There are tough decisions to be made in life, and even indecision is itself a decision one way or the other. If I didn't make the decision myself now, it would've been made FOR me a year or two from now, and the outcome would have been much... [less palatable].

Make no mistake, if you refuse to voluntarily walk down the path that destiny lays before you, you WILL be dragged along kicking and screaming. There may not be any grand design underneath it all, but there's no stopping the forward progress of time, and of your life.

I've declared my intent to play along, and I've cast the dice (inaction is no longer an option), yet I find myself scared to watch as the dice roll to a stop and my future is decided. Am I ready to pull the trigger and accelerate the inevitable chain of events that have already been set in motion? Either way, in all likelihood, this will probably be settled in the next month or so. The east wind blows, and the temporary solace I've found here begins to crumble. "Pack your bags." =/

"All it takes is one decision,
a lotta guts, a little vision,
to wave your worries and cares goodbye."
~Placebo - Slave to the Wage

*Yes, I knooooow I used like 20 overplayed cliches in there. And if it all sounds terribly vague & cryptic, that was intentional. I don't wanna show my hand until all the cards have come out; don't wanna jinx it. If you're one of the few people who know what's been on my mind lately, let's keep it hush-hush for now, okay? I'll spill the beans publicly on all this when it all plays out and/or when I'm ready.

My mind and my heartstrings are always tugging in opposite directions, and if neither one wins, I'm stuck in the middle of the road of life like a deer in headlights. Yet no matter which one wins in the end (or neither), I'll always feel like I got the short end of the stick, and that I had little or no say in it all. -_- *siiiiigh* The grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side. =/