A Little Too Emo For My Own Good. Almost anytime I have a lot of time to myself to think, I start sinking into depression. I think that's just like the natural state of things in my mind. I can avert it and push it to the back of my mind if I stay physically busy or mentally occupied enough, but given enough time to just sit and think, I naturally start drifting towards that dark, brooding state. The exact minutiae of my musings escape me (they're different every time anyways), but the conclusions are generally the same: the world is a cold dark place; there is no purpose or meaning to it all; mankind is inherently evil; we are doomed to suffering; and in the end, we are all alone, so very alone.

In the Ultimate X-Men comics, whenever Jean Grey is showing signs of craziness (due to the Phoenix inside of her) she's drawn with these tiny goblins (in her mind) crawling all over her. And I think that's a really fitting metaphor for how it feels sometimes. Something that you feel helpless to shake off, that surrounds you and starts off just mildly irritating but can quickly overwhelm you if you don't keep it at bay.

Ok, so this may be the closest I ever come to publicly declaring that I'm a little crazy... or at least very very emo sometimes. Prone to depression, at the very least. And no, it's not nearly as bad now as it was in college, but there've been faint stirrings of it again recently, and I fear the goblins in my mind. =/ I know what they can do, I remember the mess they made of me the last time they took over. I'm afraid, so very afraid... =(

I found myself punching myself in the face the other day and not really knowing why other than cuz it felt real. Afterwards, I couldn't help but think how crazy (& stupid) it all was, but at the time, it felt alright... like the pain was grounding me to reality (as cliche as that is, I'm sure). I'm just glad that I decided to punch and not to cut myself up. =O Yea, I'm a can of crazy sometimes.

This isn't meant as a cry for help or for attention, I'm just hoping that putting it into words helps me beat it, whatever it is, whenever it rears its ugly head. =/ I think that's a part of why I keep running off to LA- cuz if I stay in Vegas, I tend to have too much time to myself to think, and I have a hunch where THAT'll end up.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea, you bleed just to know you're alive."
~Goo Goo Dolls - Iris