"He feared most of all the choices, that cried to be taken." In the wake of my Canada fiasco, I've been rethinking my life's plan over the medium-term (next 2-5 years). And in rough terms, I've kinda laid out a list of what I need/want to accomplish.

And this OUGHT to make things real simple, like "step 1, step 2," but I find myself hesitant to take action and do what I know needs to be done. It seems the closer I get to my goals, the less ideal they seem, the less impassioned I am about them. It's like I start nitpicking and finding faults in my well-laid plans, trying to convince myself that maybe it wasn't such a great idea in the first place. "What if things don't turn out exactly the way I want them to? What if I get A, but not B? Is it still a good idea?"

Maybe recently I've failed so many times to achieve what I want, that I'm afraid to even admit to myself that I really want something, for fear that that would mean I'll fail to achieve it(?). I'm so scared of failing that I psyche myself out of trying at all- so I subconsciously trick myself into thinking what I wanted wasn't so great in the first place.

The overriding emotion that I've been feeling recently is this fear of the unknown and of uncertainty. I just don't know what's gonna happen these next couple months & years, and it FREAKS me out. I haven't been this confused about my future since college, when I started thinking about work in the first place.

And of course, EVERYBODY wants the storybook ending, where they get everything their heart desires. But you've gotta be realistic, and it boils down to: given the opportunity to have only SOME of the things you want, do you jump at the chance? Or do you hold out and bet the farm on the slim chance that you'll achieve EVERYTHING that you wanted in one fell swoop?

So far in life, I keep betting the farm and winding up empty-handed. When will I learn to just grateful for whatever meager scraps of life I can get? Maybe I just keep feeling like I'm owed something in this life, expecting that it's just way overdue. I keep sitting here thinking it's gonna come to ME. But "destiny favors the bold," they say. And I'm NOT bold enough, not brave enough to seize what I want... maybe even too chicken to ADMIT what I want. ...and thus, I am unworthy. =/ DANG it! What am I so afraid of??? >:O

"Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity,
To seize everything you ever wanted... in one moment,
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
...the moment,
you own it, you better never let it go.
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow,
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime."
~Eminem - Lose Yourself