Stones Better Left Unturned? You know, I’d always been skeptical about those stories of ppl who suffer something so traumatic that their subconscious erases all memory of the event- (the human memory just didn’t seem so fickle to me). But recently, I discovered that I too had buried an event in my subconscious. (And still, I’m not really sure if I buried it, or if it was something that I had just chosen not to think about for so many years. Anyways…) I don’t recall exactly what triggered it and caused me to remember, but it all came back to me suddenly, and it was a nearly cathartic moment, and part of me wanted to cry.
I was molested as a child. I was probably somewhere between 4 and 7 years old. I can remember where it happened, and that even then, I was old enough to feel like something wasn’t right about it all. And I still remember what they said to make me think it was ok, that it was perfectly normal.
I still can’t remember who it was, and I don’t know who to be mad at for it happening. Whoever it was though, it was someone either in or close to my family, which makes it that much harder to think about. And part of me can’t help but wonder: so many years removed from the incident, do I really want to know who it was? Is it sufficient to say it happened and leave it at that? It wasn’t a repeated event- (does that make it any more forgivable?)
And I can’t help but wonder now how the whole incident has affected me psychologically over the long-term. A lot of times, I DO feel like there’s something wrong with me- (it’s not normal for ppl to be this socially dysfunctional, is it?) and now I wonder if this was IT. I mean yea, I was old enough that I still remember it happening, but young enough that I didn’t understand the implications at the time. Can I really point to something like that in my youth and say that that’s when everything started going wrong?
Is that why I’m hesitant to trust new ppl? Why I get unusually squeamish in unfamiliar situations? Why it feels so hard to connect with ppl- and why I’m more comfortable opening up to a computer screen with all this than an actual person? Why I probably still can’t bring this up in conversation with a real person? And hell, why I doubt the general goodness of humanity?
I remember my parents having me see school counselors for a few years in elementary school cuz they thought something was wrong with me but didn’t know what (supposedly, I was never a happy child). Maybe even then, they recognized that I was psychologically damaged goods. And I dunno, thinking back, I don’t know if you could go back in my childhood and say there was just this ONE thing wrong, but I think a lot of things add up. And if I wiped this from my mind, I’m sure there are other things I’ve buried as well that I’ve yet to uncover.
I dunno, on good days, I’m thankful that I remembered this important event in my life. On bad days, I wish I’d never unforgotten it. =/ It’s a heavy cross to bear.
I was molested as a child. I was probably somewhere between 4 and 7 years old. I can remember where it happened, and that even then, I was old enough to feel like something wasn’t right about it all. And I still remember what they said to make me think it was ok, that it was perfectly normal.
I still can’t remember who it was, and I don’t know who to be mad at for it happening. Whoever it was though, it was someone either in or close to my family, which makes it that much harder to think about. And part of me can’t help but wonder: so many years removed from the incident, do I really want to know who it was? Is it sufficient to say it happened and leave it at that? It wasn’t a repeated event- (does that make it any more forgivable?)
And I can’t help but wonder now how the whole incident has affected me psychologically over the long-term. A lot of times, I DO feel like there’s something wrong with me- (it’s not normal for ppl to be this socially dysfunctional, is it?) and now I wonder if this was IT. I mean yea, I was old enough that I still remember it happening, but young enough that I didn’t understand the implications at the time. Can I really point to something like that in my youth and say that that’s when everything started going wrong?
Is that why I’m hesitant to trust new ppl? Why I get unusually squeamish in unfamiliar situations? Why it feels so hard to connect with ppl- and why I’m more comfortable opening up to a computer screen with all this than an actual person? Why I probably still can’t bring this up in conversation with a real person? And hell, why I doubt the general goodness of humanity?
I remember my parents having me see school counselors for a few years in elementary school cuz they thought something was wrong with me but didn’t know what (supposedly, I was never a happy child). Maybe even then, they recognized that I was psychologically damaged goods. And I dunno, thinking back, I don’t know if you could go back in my childhood and say there was just this ONE thing wrong, but I think a lot of things add up. And if I wiped this from my mind, I’m sure there are other things I’ve buried as well that I’ve yet to uncover.
I dunno, on good days, I’m thankful that I remembered this important event in my life. On bad days, I wish I’d never unforgotten it. =/ It’s a heavy cross to bear.
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